Friday, 12 March 2010

Wordzzle 102

Sorry to say that the mightly word-warrier Raven has been felled this week by computer problems, so in the spirit of solidarity to the competition we here at DFTPs are posting our entry anyway.

For those of you who don't know - Raven sets two sets of words, a 10 word selection and a 5 word selection - these can either be used individually as a main and minor, or combined for a mega 15 - but once you endeavor to create a story you must include each word, or phrase, in the work at least once.

Words for this week's 10-word challenge are: slimy, Pluto, champing at the bit, peaceful, chapter, upright, depression, starfish, matches, channel changer

For the mini: liver spots, pesticide, plaid, unpredictable, upsetting the apple cart

Following on from my entirely hypothetical ship of the other week I thought it would be interesting to create another fictional ship, one which I may well return to if it proves popular:

so join with me now as we wrestle with the rollocks and fondle the Brass Monkeys as we experience the increasingly odd adventures of the HMS Frightfully Sorry and her exasperated crew in...

Four Sheets To The Wind

There was a polite knock on the Captain’s door, followed by a moment of respectful silence before the door squeaked open. First Mate Jenkins peered through the gap, trying to gauge the mood of the Captain. Ever since they had left Scunthorpe six months ago the usually chipper head of the ship had been subject to deep bouts of depression.

Today Captain Hogarth seemed to be back to his usual self. He was wearing his best plaid and was sitting upright in his chair peering closely at his book. He held up a hand and continued to read for a few more moments, before finally slipping the bookmark into place and looking up

“Ah Chiswick, good to see you old chap” he began with his usual booming tones, “sorry to keep you waiting, but had to finish my chapter first”

“It’s Jenkins sir” Jenkins corrected with the tired air of a man who has had the same conversation every day for the last six months

“Really?” Hogarth said, furrowing his brow without ever feeling the need for any form of gardening implement, “Are you sure?”

“Fairly sure” Jenkins replied, adapting his patented peaceful tone of voice

“Well what happened to Chiswick then?”

“Went overboard sir, got caught in the Baltics by a starfish”

Captain Hogarth screwed up his eyes and reached for his number four pipe and matches, “Demned shame, what?” he said eventually, “Slimy buggers, those Starfish”

“Indeed sir” Jenkins paused for a few extra seconds to allow his Captain’s brains to safely return from their trip to Pluto, and then cleared his throat, “Sir?”

“Hmmm?” Hogarth’s eyes cleared as it suddenly dawned on him that there might be some other purpose to his First Mate’s visit other than to re-confirm his own identity, “oh yes: I expect you’re just champing at the bit to tell me whatever piece of news you have, what?

“Yes Sir,” Jenkins confirmed, wondering how best to break the news, “It’s Bernard sir”

“Bernard?” Hogarth thought for a second, trying to cross check his mind with whatever passed for the channel changer for his brain, “Ah yes! Bernard! Excellent fellow: worth his weight in ten other men. What about him?”

“He’s a girl, sir”

“A Gel?” Hogarth questioned, “are you sure?”

“Quite sure, sir”

“But he’s got a beard Jenkins”

“I know sir” Jenkins paused, aware that this was not the worst of the news, “fooled a lot of us with that one she did sir. It was only when we found out that she was pregnant that we realised where we’d gone wrong”

“Pregnant! Pregnant you say?” Hogarth bellowed, “Well we can’t be having with that: doesn’t that lead towards liver spots Jenkins?”

“Generally speaking sir” Jenkins corrected, “it is believed to lead to babies sir” he paused to see if this was sinking in,

“Not liver spots then?”
The captain harrumphed in disgust, “Well we can’t be allowing that Jenkins, by jove not!” he decided, “can’t have a baby stomping around the place and upsetting the apple cart by luring us all towards rocks”

Jenkins thought for a second, “That’s Psirens, sir” he replied eventually, “not babies”

Hogarth shook his head, “Well I don’t know Jenkins, better have the pesticide ready just incase, unpredictable buggers these babies”
Jenkins nodded and prepared to leave, “Yes sir, consider it done sir” he paused, “any news for the crew this week sir?”

Hogarth shook his head again, “No, no: you just carry on”

“Right you are sir”

“And Jenkins?”

The first mate paused and looked back over his shoulder, aware that he was only a quick sprint from safety, “Yes sir?”

“Keep me informed on this baby thing, what?” Hogarth ordered, “Wouldn’t want one of those demned baby things creeping up on me and eating me in the night”

“No sir” Jenkins replied with barely any trace of stress in his voice, “definitely not sir”


Argent said...

Hahahaha! Excellent Pixies humour. Shades of Hitch-hikers (I can almost imagine the Captain being in the bath!"). Looking forward to much more of this.

Raven said...

I LOVE this. I've been re-reading PG Woodhouse this week (I just love the Jeeves books) and this reminds me of those in a way. In any case... this was wonderful!

My friend came and made my computer usable again but it's still not a well machine so I'm not sure how long this patch will hold. I posted some words for next week and wrote a mega this morning.

Oh - just read Argent's comment. Hitch Hikers is another great comparison. In any case, my favorite kind of humor. Like Argent I look forward to more.

Raven said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Raven said...

sorry about the duplicate comment. I'm reduced to Internet Explorer - mozilla won't work anymore - and Explorer and I are not compatible. Going to try to remove the duplicate so if there aren't two, there were which is why I'm apologizing. Sigh.

DawnTreader said...

Very enjoyable reading! (I'm a Wodehouse fan too)

the watercats said...

An actual laff out loud read!... seriously!.. I wish I could do humour as well as you do. This was just fantastic!... apart from pg woodhouse and hitchhiker man.. also brought to mind captain blackadder scenarios... excellent stuff!

the watercats said...

oh, and bloomin great singin with argent too! grrrr to your talents... grrr I say!
(how'd the gig go?)

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Argent - an element of Monty Python, a splash of Hitch-hikers and a rather large and beardy english actor with a shouty voice...

Raven/Dawn Treader - If you ever get the chance watch the late 80s/early 90s Jeeves And Wooster TV series with Hugh (House) Laurie - completely excellent

Watercats - i love blackadder! No gig yet, but coming soon...

Lydia said...

I don't know how you do this, come up with something so apart from your regular world. You are one creative writer, my friend. Now I need to go find the other ship story!

kanishk said...

Looking forward to much more of this.
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