Friday, 25 December 2009

The Alternate Christmas Message

Well, it’s another wordzzle holiday this week, so Maggie will be back next Friday with more misdemeanours, but in the meantime it’s become a sort of traditional thing here to post an little story or fact on Christmas Day, so those of you who doze through the Queen’s speech can have something else to enjoy over your Christmas pudding.

This year I’ve gone and used the inspirational story I was going to tell you already, so as Christmas is the time of bad jokes I’m bringing you a short joke. Apologies for this in advance, the joke originates from a British Sign Language video and Deaf jokes are, frankly, rubbish. Have a great Christmas


It’s midnight on Christmas Eve and a man walks out of a pub. He is very drunk and desperately in need of a pee, but the queue for the toilets was far too long: so he heads out into the street and, being a bit worse for wear, finds a sign post on a street corner to relieve himself against.

Whilst he is standing there a large van (the type used by furniture movers) chugs slowly around the corner and stops immediately outside a jewellers shop. Even in his drunken state the man realises that there is something slightly off about a van making deliveries at midnight on Christmas Eve, so he tucks his manhood back away and watches as the driver of the van gets out, checks the street and goes to the back of the van.

Slowly the van door is pushed upwards and a ramp lowers, allowing an elephant to come out. The man leads the elephant to the jewellers shop and the large animal swings its trunk, shattering the glass. The man bags up the jewels from the display, puts the elephant into the back of the truck and drives off.
Our friend the drunk has sobered slightly at the sight of this, sufficiently for him to get his mobile phone out and call the police. He describes what he has just seen. Initially the police are suspicious

‘You’re taking the piss’ the desk sergeant says
‘No, seriously: I saw it!’
The sergeant sighs with the air of a man who has now heard it all, ‘OK – what colour was the van?’
‘I’m not sure, it was dark’
‘Did you get the licence plate?’
‘No’ says the drunk
The sergeant, quickly tiring of his useless witness sighs again, ‘OK – well what type of elephant was it?’
‘How many types are there?’ asks the drunk
‘Two’ says the policeman, ‘African and Indian: the African has large ears’
‘Oh’ says the man, ‘well, in that case I couldn’t tell’
‘Oh come off it’ the Policeman says, ‘it can’t have been that dark that you couldn’t see how big the elephant’s ears were?’
‘No’ agrees the man, ‘but the elephant was wearing a balaclava’


Thanks to everyone who has visited us pixies in 2009 - i'm sorry it hasn't always been possible to return the favour. Here's to a great 2010 for all. Peace, goodwill and success to all


English Rider said...

Duh!...p.s. I am always sad when we hear reports of robberies in the US and they use the term ski-mask. Balaclava is such a great word and rooted in history too. Maybe we should start a line of designer ski-masks called Balaclava and get some respect for our vocabulary?

Michael said...

A joke in return for yours:

Poor Ole Hanson dies. His wife decides to put an obituary in the paper. The newspaper man says, "what do you want to say?"

Mrs. Hanson says, "just say 'Ole died.'"

"That's it? The first five words are free you know."

"OK," says Mrs. Hanson. "Put, 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"


All the best Pixie Man.

Lydia said...

Great joke...but I will be honest and say that the joke was on me because I had to look up the final word, i.e. the punchline!, i.e. Balaclava in order to understand the joke! I see that English Rider mentions startina line of designer ski-masks and want to note that in my Google search there are pictures of various Balaclavas featured in outdoors stores...

Christmas is over now. Don't I sound sad?!

Friko said...

Wouldn't the Balaclava have had to have earholes for the African elephant?

Have a happy and successful New Year, Pixie.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

English - not such a bad idea! The name balaclava does seem to have gone out of fashion - but i have a feeling it only applies to a certain type

Michael - he he!

Lydia - maybe i should have changed the ending? Oh well - hope you had a good one

Friko - I don't think they have earholes, do they?

iNdi@ said...

how do you hide an elephant in a strawberry patch?
paint it's toenails red.

iNdi@ said...

oops, there should NOT have been an apostrophe in that last comment.

the watercats said...

balaclava.... i love that word! nice joke too, in a christmas cracker sort of way :-) one of our crackers had this joke in it;
what does a hyena use in his when making soup?

a laughing stock!..hahahahahahahah!!

anyway, hope your new year was a goodun mush! :-D

the watercats said...

it's all arseways.. (vodka taken!)

The Clandestine Samurai said... totally late with this message. I got a new job and have been dealing with that as well as financial matters. But anyway, happy belated Christmas and Happy New Year to you as well.

I will come back and comment on the blogs shortly.

Friko said...

Hi Pixie,

you left my followers band; any particular reason?
I've not offended you, I hope.