Monday, 11 July 2011

Lest We Forget

I can't believe that I've known y'all for all this time without introducing you to my constant friend and companion.

What is it now: 3, 4 years?  Doesn't time when you're having fun?

Still, you'd've thought I would have mentioned my Super Hero Double Identity by now - even in passing and yet here we are...

I'm not suggesting, of course, that of an evening I dress in tights, put my underpants over my clothes and go thwarting ner-do-wells - my superhero ability is a slightly unusual one at best and, over the years, I have come to refer to this secret identity as Captain Paranoia.

Many of you will already be familiar with the Captain and feel that you too are visited by his late night whispers in your ear that tell you to go and check the front door that one final time just to be absoultely sure that you did indeed lock it. 

Extreme sufferers from his presence, those for whom he has set up a comfy chair between their eyes and watches everything they do, suffer from OCD - but every one of us have a small room marked VACANT in our brains that always has a bed prepared for the Captain - just in case he should arive with his megaphone and start yelling "YOU DIDN'T LOCK YOUR DOOR" just five minutes after you got into the one-way system contraflow that will take you half an hour to get out of, go back and discover that yes, you did indeed lock the door - only to find that Captain Paranoia has vacated the building to avoid the forthcoming knuckle sandwich

Worse still, however, are the occasions upon which the Captain choses to stay silent - like today, for instance, when a healthy bout of "Did you remember to pick up your works pass today?" would have saved the resultant half an hour of waiting in reception whilst the Security Guard sorted out a visitor pass, then the rigmarole of getting a temporary payment card so I could get a coffee

Or come to that Mr so-called Captain Paranoia where were you the day I cycled seven miles to work, got to the changing room/shower and had to come out and make an apologetic call to Herself to bring me the pair of trousers that were still lying waiting at home?

Didn't have much to say for yourself that day, did you?


The Bug said...

LOL - sometimes I have to just go ahead & carry things out to the car the night before just to make sure that I don't forget them.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Captain Paranoia's is no match for Admiral Fatalism. Alternatively, you could hire a chimpanzee to guard your property.

Argent said...

Or the time we were a hundred miles up the motorway on the way to OU summer school in Manchester and I found I'd left my handbag at home, complete with money and Meds. He's an unreliable beggar for sure.

Jerry said...

Did someone turn the oven off? That notion reoccurs much too often when away from home....and that notion is roaring when my wife says, "I don't remember turning it off."

It was turned off.

Lydia said...

Well, of course he didn't have much to say for himself that day! I never thought of the Captain in quite this way before, that there are times when you wouldn't so much mind his nudge.
But it is those times when he screams at you, you obey, and then he laughs from his head-start run blocks away when I most loathe him.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

bug - that may well be worth trying, but then you'd lie awake wondering if you closed the car properly...

GB - The Admiral is a worthy advessary indeed

Argent - yes, a reminder on that occasion would have helped tremendously

Jerry - he visits several heads simultaneously if you ask me and stops either of you being able to remember things like that

Lydia - yes. The times when you know damn well that you locked the door, but there's just that tiny voice saying, "go back, go back..."