Pet Problems

Welcome to the Pets R Us complaints line.  We apologise that we are experiencing extremely high call volumes and will get to your call as soon as we can

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Call Centre: Welcome to Pets R Us, how may I help you today?

Pixie:  Hi yes, it's about the Gremlin

Call Centre: I'm sorry?

Pixie: The Gremlin that I bought four months ago at your Megastore

Call Centre: I'm sorry, that's a discontinued line

Pixie: I'm not surprised considering all the trouble I've had...the insurance policy alone has gone through the roof, let alone all the murders...anyway, it's about the care instructions

Call Centre: What about them?

Pixie: Well...they're a little vague.

Call Centre: Were you given a care booklet?

Pixie: Yes, and it was ok as far as it went, but there were only two instructions: don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight.

Call Centre: Simple enough instructions, sir - and we do advise new owners of the potential hazards of failing to obey the rules

Pixie: Yes, yes, I know - they duplicate and turn evil in that order - but what you failed to mention is the bloody smell

Call Centre: The smell sir?

Pixie: Yes, I've had mine for nearly four months now and, as per instructions, have not washed it nor brought it near to water - but quite frankly the creature is a messy little bugger: he's covered in mud, grass, felt-tip pen: not to mention Gremlin poo.  Do you know how difficult it is to clean them without water?  I've tried baby-buds, but quite frankly you'd need a bunsen burner to remove the hard-caked filth at this stage.  The neighbours have even called in Environmental Control on three seperate occasions

Call Centre: Well, we do sell a special Gremlin cleansing spray priced £29.99

Pixie: Yes you do, but only at your office in Totnes, which is five hundred miles away, or via your website which always claims to be out of stock.

Call Centre: I'm very sorry to hear that sir, we can set up a quarterly order for you if you like, that would mean it will get delivered to you in good time?

Pixie: Yes please, that would be wonderful

Call Centre: No problem - is there anything else we can help you with?

Pixie: Yes, it's the whole "no food after midnight"

Call Centre: What about it sir?

Pixie: Well, I'm not quite sure exactly when it becomes safe to feed them again?  I mean: technically everything is after midnight

Call Centre: It's until sunrise sir - after the sun comes up its fine

Pixie: Sunrise?  OK thanks - so does that mean that it varies at different times of year?  I mean in the winter sunrise is a couple of hours later than in the summer

Call Centre: Yes sir, that's correct

Pixie: OK thanks - so, on a related subject: when the clocks go forward in the spring should I stop feeding them after 11pm, and is it again safe to feed them in the autumn if i happen to be up at midnight and immediately set my watch back an hour so that it's now 11pm and not midnight anymore?

Call Centre: I'd have to refer you to my supervisor to be sure sir, but my advice would be to err on the safe side

Pixie: Thanks.  One last thing: I'm planning a round the world cruise and was thinking of taking my Pet with me, I mean after all I can't risk it suddenly turning evil because some student that i hired thought it was probably ok to feed them after all.  But the problem is that I'm going to be crossing the international date line and several different time lines - often in planes where i will have little access to local time.  Can you tell me: does the "feeding after midnight" thing follow its own internal clock or should I allow for local time?

Call Centre: I can't be sure sir, I would have to transfer you to my manager.  Is there anything else I can answer before I do so?

Pixie: Yes, although I suspect this is one for your manager as well.  If I feed the Gremlin at 11:30pm and a piece of food gets lodged behind a tooth, or hasn't quite digested by midnight - is that a problem?

Call Centre: I'll just pass you to my manager....please hold...

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