Sunday, 2 December 2012

Pet Problems

Welcome to the Pets R Us complaints line.  We apologise that we are experiencing extremely high call volumes and will get to your call as soon as we can

(Music plays: How Much Is That Doggie In The Window)

Call Centre: Welcome to Pets R Us, how may I help you today?

Pixie:  Hi yes, it's about the Gremlin

Call Centre: I'm sorry?

Pixie: The Gremlin that I bought four months ago at your Megastore

Call Centre: I'm sorry, that's a discontinued line

Pixie: I'm not surprised considering all the trouble I've had...the insurance policy alone has gone through the roof, let alone all the murders...anyway, it's about the care instructions

Call Centre: What about them?

Pixie: Well...they're a little vague.

Call Centre: Were you given a care booklet?

Pixie: Yes, and it was ok as far as it went, but there were only two instructions: don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight.

Call Centre: Simple enough instructions, sir - and we do advise new owners of the potential hazards of failing to obey the rules

Pixie: Yes, yes, I know - they duplicate and turn evil in that order - but what you failed to mention is the bloody smell

Call Centre: The smell sir?

Pixie: Yes, I've had mine for nearly four months now and, as per instructions, have not washed it nor brought it near to water - but quite frankly the creature is a messy little bugger: he's covered in mud, grass, felt-tip pen: not to mention Gremlin poo.  Do you know how difficult it is to clean them without water?  I've tried baby-buds, but quite frankly you'd need a bunsen burner to remove the hard-caked filth at this stage.  The neighbours have even called in Environmental Control on three seperate occasions

Call Centre: Well, we do sell a special Gremlin cleansing spray priced £29.99

Pixie: Yes you do, but only at your office in Totnes, which is five hundred miles away, or via your website which always claims to be out of stock.

Call Centre: I'm very sorry to hear that sir, we can set up a quarterly order for you if you like, that would mean it will get delivered to you in good time?

Pixie: Yes please, that would be wonderful

Call Centre: No problem - is there anything else we can help you with?

Pixie: Yes, it's the whole "no food after midnight"

Call Centre: What about it sir?

Pixie: Well, I'm not quite sure exactly when it becomes safe to feed them again?  I mean: technically everything is after midnight

Call Centre: It's until sunrise sir - after the sun comes up its fine

Pixie: Sunrise?  OK thanks - so does that mean that it varies at different times of year?  I mean in the winter sunrise is a couple of hours later than in the summer

Call Centre: Yes sir, that's correct

Pixie: OK thanks - so, on a related subject: when the clocks go forward in the spring should I stop feeding them after 11pm, and is it again safe to feed them in the autumn if i happen to be up at midnight and immediately set my watch back an hour so that it's now 11pm and not midnight anymore?

Call Centre: I'd have to refer you to my supervisor to be sure sir, but my advice would be to err on the safe side

Pixie: Thanks.  One last thing: I'm planning a round the world cruise and was thinking of taking my Pet with me, I mean after all I can't risk it suddenly turning evil because some student that i hired thought it was probably ok to feed them after all.  But the problem is that I'm going to be crossing the international date line and several different time lines - often in planes where i will have little access to local time.  Can you tell me: does the "feeding after midnight" thing follow its own internal clock or should I allow for local time?

Call Centre: I can't be sure sir, I would have to transfer you to my manager.  Is there anything else I can answer before I do so?

Pixie: Yes, although I suspect this is one for your manager as well.  If I feed the Gremlin at 11:30pm and a piece of food gets lodged behind a tooth, or hasn't quite digested by midnight - is that a problem?

Call Centre: I'll just pass you to my manager....please hold...

(Music plays: How Much Is That Doggie In The Window)


English Rider said...

I'm calling the RSPCG right now!

PhilipH said...

Far too much aggro for me. I sent mine back. Still awaiting refund, but not over-bothered.

The Bug said...

Well THAT was fun. Silly little gremlins. They LOOK so cute, but then...

Titus said...

The Pedant's Guide to Pet Care! Brilliant. Goodness, I'm tempted to buy bodylastics too, but perhaps not after midnight.

Stephen Hayes said...

Very clever. A fun read.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

English - i should have contacted them in the first place, they would know for sure.

Philip - stick with cats, they're great

Bug - yes, they look cute

Titus - you have to admit the instructions don't make that much sense

Stephen - to be fair, even Gremlins 2 points out a few of these fallacies :)