Monday, 17 December 2012

12 Days Of Christmas, Pixie Styliee

DAY #1

Dear Mr Pixie

Thank you for your recent enquiry to our store.

Sadly I have to report that we do not sell Partridges, nor indeed any other member of the pheasant family.  Our remit does not allow us to sell wildfowl and as such we are unable to help you further with your enquiry at this time.

We did try a series of local farmers who specialize in avian stock and the closest we could get were some peacocks - if you would be willing to purchase one of these instead we can put you in contact with the breeder concerned.

As to the pear tree, we are unable to help in this matter and can only you suggest you try your local garden centre - though we feel that they may be out of stock at this time of year.

Yours sincerely

Anna Conda
Head of Pet Resource
Pets R Us

Note to self from Pixie: Would a DVD of The Partridge Family, or Alan Partridge (A.Partridge) be sufficient?

Day #2

Dear Mr Pixie

We were very intrigued by your letter inquiring as to whether we could sell you two turtle doves.  We are, as you can probably tell from our business title, a milk farm - IE we raise and breed cattle for milk.  Perhaps the fact that our farm still appears, erroneously, on Googlemaps as Dove Farm, confused you in this matter?

In any event, and to spare you any further confusion we would like to confirm that we cannot supply you with the above mentioned livestock, but would invite you to follow the link to our website where we sell our homemade cheese.

Yours sincerely

Milk Incorporated
Dove Farm

Note to self from Pixie: get some Dove soap - it's close enough

Day #3

Bonjour M Pixie

Thank you for writing to the French Embassy.  We are sorry to report that the sale of hens from any region of France is currently heavily restricted and the import/export laws would mean that there would be a significant delay in the supply of your stock.

If you are still interested in applying for the four months quarantine process please let us know and we will be happy to arrange a viewing of your livestock holdings to see if they are suitable.

In the meantime we remain your loyal servant

M Le Fru-fru
Secretary to the French Ambassador

Note to self from Pixie: shame Herself isn't musical - wonder if she'd appreciate a french horn or not?

Day #4

Dear Mr Pixie

Thank you for your further enquiry

As previously mentioned it is not within the remit of Pets R Us to sell wildfowl - however, after a brief internet search, we remain confused as to exactly what a "collie bird" is.  Is this some weird hybrid of a red setter and a pigeon?

Perhaps you have made a typo - do you mean a "calling bird" - in which case we may be able to sell you a parrot?

Best of luck with your Christmas shopping

Anna Conda
Head of Pet Resource
Pets R Us

Note to self from Pixie: remember those electric singing fish?  Wonder if they do those with birds?

Day #5

Dear Mr Pixie

Thank you for your letter to Mr Michael Phelps, dated 7th November.  As you correctly state in your letter he has "won rather a lot of gold medals" over recent years - in total 18.

Thank you also for your concern that he might be "rather running out of shelf space", however this does not mean that he is willing or ready to sell five of them to you - even if it is so that you can send them to your true love

We are sorry that we cannot help you further with this issue - have you considered approaching Mark Spitz - we heard a rumor recently that he was looking to downsize his apartment.

Yours sincerely

Bute R Fly
Secretary to the Olympic Commission

Day #6

Dear Mr Pixie

Thank you for your recent purchase of six Geese.  We apologize that they were not to your expectations, however we would like to point out that it is extremely difficult to get any animal to produce offspring on demand - and to expect them to "lay" at the precice moment they were delivered was perhaps optimistic at best

However as a gesture of good faith we are hereby sending you a full refund - this being Christmas we feel that we can easily sell them to someone who has grown tired of Turkey on Christmas Day.

Gosling Farm

Day #7

Dear Mr Pixie

Thank you for your letter to Her Majesty.  The Queen was most gratified to hear that you are looking forward to her annual Christmas Day speech and enjoyed the Christmas card immensely.

I can confirm that technically under British law the Queen is the owner of all live Swans, but we feel that we should clarify that she doesn't actually tend to them in person: nor does she have a readily available stockpile

The Queen therefore wishes to apologize that she is unable to meet your request and sell you any number of swans.  We would also advise you against contacting HRH Prince Charles, who under British law owns all dead swans. 

This is something of a grey area in law as historically the above is true, but in recent history there has been no actual handling of fowls by Her Majesty - who much prefers corgis.

Yours in service

Mrs Evadne Smudge
Lady In Waiting to Queen Elizabeth II

Day #8

Dear Mr Pixie

Thanks for contacting us again, as we were wondering how you were doing with your Christmas list.  

Sadly our farm is mostly automated and we don't employ eight milkmaids.  We do have a farm hand called Derek who says he is prepared to put on a dress for forty quid - but to be honest, he would make a rather hairy milkmaid, so we would probably advise against it

Good luck with the rest of your gifts

Milk Incorporated
Dove Farm

Day #9

Dear Mr Pixie

Thank you for your recent inquiry.   Sadly the Bolshoi Ballet does not perform private bookings and are unable to provide any number of ladies dancing

Nor are we intending to visit the UK any time soon

Have you considered a local line dancing club?

Ivana Rumba
Bolshoi Ballet

Day #10

Dear Mr Pixie

We are in receipt of your request to book Lords cricket ground for your annual Bunjee Jump - however, we feel that such an event would not be in keeping with the history of the grounds.

Yours sincerely

Lords Cricket Ground

Dear Mr Pixie

Thank you for your recent enquiry.  We have to admit that we have met with some mixed results.  Lord Mandelson has indicated that he may be available, but Lord Bath and Lord Rhys-Mogg are undecided.

Sadly, after much investigation of our books we are not aware of the existence of a Lord Vader

House of Lords

Day #11

Dear Mr Pixie

Thanks for writing to the local Salvation Army brass band - we are intrigued by your letter, but have to admit that we do not have any bagpipe players.

This is largely because bagpipes are not, in fact, a brass instrument.

We are not currently available for private bookings due to our prior Christmas bookings - however, we enclose a flyer of places that our performance can be seen and hope that you will feel moved to make a donation to the needy

The Salvation Army

Day #12

Bhangra Drums would like to thank you for your recent enquiry

Bhangra Drums is a local society looking to enthuse a new generation to get involved in music and to mix culturally during the process

Although we are not currently taking private bookings we hope to be doing so in early 2013 and will keep you on our mailing list 

Yours faithfully

Bhangra Drums Inc


PhilipH said...

Now I know why I avoid Xmas as much as possible!
It's not the same nowadays, innit.

The Bug said...

LOLOL - that was a lot of fun :) I really had to watch it while I was reading #8 - my boss would have been asking what was so funny.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Philip - nope

Bug - oops!