Those of you familiar with this blog will already be more than aware that from time to time I give you a list-o-fives. The basic rules are: 1) they should be five random variations on a theme that is currently in my head, 2) in no way, shape or form actually add up to five
And this morning I was thinking what a thankless task it is being President of the USA: so much hope and expectation on your shoulders to rid the world of all known diseases by the end of your first term - if you have a success the other lot get to claim it was only down to the groundwork they laid and if you fail well then of course you're in the hot seat bucko.
But lets assume for a second that in reality no man or woman, no matter how great and powerful, can influence the shape the world is taking to any great degree - at most they can probably steer it in what they hope may eventually be the right direction - and have some fun with the role.
As such I present to you, my ever faithful and put upon readers, my list of First Five Things I Would Do If I Were President Of America
#1: Demand To Know What Area 51 Really Is And What Happened At Roswell
Was it an air balloon? Was it russians dressed as aliens? Was it an invasion of the French Guild of Cheese Makers or was it entirely more strange?
For years UFO-ologists have been studying the skies over the not-so secret experimental airbase and spotting strange lights in the sky. Personally I can't help but feel that the clue is in the words "experimental airbase" but they are convinced that whatever it was that fell to earth in New Mexico is stored there and being used to reverse engineer super dooper flying machines.
There are several flaws to this point of view. Firstly - remember this is the same USA government that couldn't keep Watergate or Monica Lewinski secret and allows people like Sarah Palin to take office - so the idea that they could orchestrate a cover up of aliens regularly popping to the Roswell branch of McDonalds without anyone noticing seems preposterous at best.
Still - it would be fun to find out the truth - and then use my Presidential powers to come up with some even more outlandish explanation and see how many people buy it
NB: the thing that crashed at Roswell was actually an underwater attack vehicle launched by the fish people of Atlantis - you heard it here first people
#2: Put Airforce 1 on e-bay.
There is a rumour that when the British fleet sold off the Arc Royal (big boat) it was done on a website where you could click "add to basket" - if true that is very, very amusing
And let's face it - the world wide economy is in a pretty bad state, with most countries now being in the Trillions In Debt Club, so I'd put up a few of the President's personal assets on the bidding site as a way to solve the financial crisis - start them off at $1 so that everyone has a chance to buy them.
#3: Chose Five Letters Per Month From Families Inviting Me Around To Tea - And Then Turn Up
It must be a thankless task being the Lady In Waiting to Queen Elizabeth - all she must do all day is respond to well meaning children, and adults, asking the Queen an endless array of daft questions such as what is her favourite colour, who looks after the corgis when she's away and would she like to come to their village fete and guess the weight of the cake.
But the legend has it that Queenie has right of access into every home - after all we are her subjects - and can go everywhere except the House Of Lords - and I'd like to think that the US President has equal rites of egress - so my first act would be to go around to some unsuspecting schmuck's house one evening, parking Airforce 1 around the corner (or Airforce 2 if it's sold by now) and demandin milk, one sugar and one of those nice jammy biscuits if you have one
#4: Run Naked Around The White House
Be honest - there isn't one of us who haven't nipped downstairs in the all together, dripping water around the house as we look for a towel, or just gone for a late night snack from the fridge wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and a smile.
And surely the only way for the President to prove that he is as human as us is to walk around 1600 Pensylvania Avenue in the all together - preferably once the crowds of tourists have gone home for the evening
#5: Pass A Law That States My Opponent In The Presidential Election Debates Has To Wear A Clown Costume
Let's face it - once you have that power in your hand it's a hard thing to give up, so you want to strengthen your chances of gaining a second term - if only so you can keep selling off national treasures and hanging around the Roosevelt Room in your PJs
And the best way I can think of to achieve this is to make the other chap look as foolish as possible during the elections....no....wait...I think I just spotted the flaw in this plan - didn't we have two generations of the George Bush's in the White House?? Damn...
#6: Make America Into A Trademark
That's what we need to solve the economic crisis - big businesses to provide corporate sponsorship. America - brought to you by Costalot Coffee and the letter "M"
#7: Make Some Policies
On second thoughts....nah