Sunday, 19 December 2010

Three Wizened Men (A Christmas Magpie Tale)

Bethelehem Police Station, December 24th - Year Zero
Officer P. Pilate reporting

I was just returning to the station when I espied three strange men on camels travelling across the desert.

Upon approaching them they claimed to be three wize men, following a star, but I distinctly smelt alcohol on their breaths.

Upon further questioning they claimed to be Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar, Kings of the Orient who had been visited by a spirit telling them to bring gifts to a child in a manger.  It seemed clear to me that they had been visited by several spirits, including the spirit of Jack Daniels on several occasions.

I proceded to ask them to dismount from their camels and to turn out their pockets.  Upon searching the three so-called Kings I discovered that one was carrying Gold, the second Frankensense and the third Myr.  They claimed that these were gifts for the child.  When I questioned whether some form of cuddly toy wouldn't be more appropriate for a child they could not provide a suitable response.

I was just about to ask them to follow me to the station when we were interrupted by three shepherds coming in the opposite direction.  They were also acting in a most peculiar manner and claimed to have followed the star.  I decided that they were either in collusion with each other or that the Annual General Meeting of Village Idiots was in town. 

However, as it was nearing the end of my shift I decided to follow them back to The Comfy Inn, Bethelehem, where I found a young family sleeping in the barn with the animals.

Having made a mental note to report the parents for child neglect I asked the two persons present whether they were, in fact, the parents of the poor child lying in the straw.

The male then responded that he was a travelling carpenter and that he was not the father.  His wife had claimed that she had been impregnated by God himself, although he seemed to believe it was actually some fellow called Gabriel.  I recommended the couple to marriage guidance, but decided not to pursue the issue of parentage as it was becoming increasingly clear that everyone was bonkers

It was at this point that I turned to the three men I had initially encountered and asked if they still had any of the spirits they had initially spoken of.  Sadly they did not and I returned to the station where I had a bottle of Bells hidden under the desk


The Bug said...

LOLOL - great story. It does sound fairly bonkers, doesn't it?

thingy said...

Ha! Wonderful take. Love it.

pohanginapete said...

Delightfully irreverent — and perhaps accurate ;^)

Argent said...

A most original and funny treatment of the story.

English Rider said...


Michael said...

Mmmm, Bells.

My boys Christmas concert had almost the exact same theme. The narrator was a jaded 10 year-old detective with a yellow star on his jacket. Unfortunate resemblance to a Nazi concentration camp prisoner.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Bug - it can seem a bit odd from afar

Thingy - thanks for visiting

Pete - who knows?!

Argent - ta

English - mmmmm

Michael - that is slightly worrying. Were the school trying to make some bigger political point about the treatment of the jewish faith? Odd indeed for a school play

Lucy Westenra said...

A splendid antidote to Christmas Schmaltz

Anonymous said...

I've read about those guys in news clippings.

I believe they were arrested and prisoned, which they preferred since some figure they mentioned named "King Herod" was to be notified of the whereabouts of the baby, but the wizened men didn't want to tell him.

Something about some dreams they had indicating that Herod was a genocidal type whose sovereignty was not to be undermined by the baby.

Ah well, I'm sure the baby won't grow up to be anyone particularly special to anybody..........

Anonymous said...


Resemblance to Nazi prisoner, lmaoooo......

Lydia said...

Just read this! No fair to make me laught loudly in the house at 2:00 a.m. while Michael is/was asleep! I love this.