Friday, 30 October 2009

Wordzzle 87

OK – before we start: thanks to everyone who’s ever read one of my creative efforts on this page – your feedback certainly knocks the “Great, great, great…sorry, what was it about?” comments I am used to into a sealed box with a radioactive isotope for boffins to talk endlessly about quantum physics until their heads explode

Anyone not interested in reading fiction blogs can find a related factual blog HERE or simply chose to read both by the efficacious means of scrolling up and down the screen

Secondly – and perhaps rather foolishly – I have just signed up to National Novel Writing Month with the intention of writing a 50,000 novel from scratch by the end of November

HOWEVER: I will only actively write this novel if one of you reading this blog is able to provide me with a title for my novel by 1st November

Titles should be sufficient to grab my attention and spark my imagination. The winning entry will get a dedication at the start of the book, an electronic copy of any resulting entry (should they wish it) and a free autographed copy should it ever come to publication

Finally – although my circumstances are changing due to the events stated in my related post “This Is The Last Time” I very much hope to continue the story of Maggie on Wordzzle day if sufficient people are interested? I’m afraid I don’t currently have regular internet connectivity, so updates may not always be exactly on time.

Yet again those of you who don’t know how a Wordzzle works the rules can be found here along with a whole host of other players to enjoy

This weeks’ selection of words were:

plumber, autograph, Florence Nightingale, a chill wind’s a blowing, watering hole, sleek, triplets, backwards, surface tension, parrot

Free estimates, French fries, carpet, Braille, silver-tongued bandit

This week I need to say a quick thank you to the people at who were mad enough to make the journey for real and to Wikipedia – the font of all pointless knowledge.

And an apology to anyone of a young or nervous disposition, or from another country, who has never heard of (UK children’s wildlife presenter & naturalist) Terry Nutkins – as soon as I saw his name on Wikipedia I knew he was the one…

Oh, and yeah: French Fries – Chips: same thing.

Week Three - Inverness – Fort William – Ballachulish (79 miles)

Exhibit 12c: Text sent from mobile no ********, Mr Bernard “Spud” Maris to ******** Margaret Mills, Monday 26th Oct 2009, 1257:

Funny thin ap’nd 2day. Bloke cum round, sed he wuz givin free estimates coz he wuz a plumber – only I knowed im, c? He woz that copper wot got Tosser sent down, bangd to rites last yr.

Wot do poliz want Mags, is it true wot they’re sayin abt u on telly? Cum ‘ome, ur 2 old 2b out like wot u r now.

Dear Spud

I got your text on Monday and tried to phone you the next day, only you weren’t there. I spoke to Tosser though about the Police and he said not to worry, he’s got it all under control. I’ll try to call you again next week, but my credit’s a bit low and the signal keeps cutting out what with all these mountains getting in the way.

Anyway, you know how much of a fan of Terry Nutkins our Norman was? Well you’ll never believe who was signin’ copies of his autobiography in Fort Augustus on Tuesday?

There he was, little old Terry, still fondling his squirrels and showing them off – the owner of the Lovat Hotel told me as how Terry used to own the Fort, and the Hotel as it happens – so I guess that explains why he was here. I can only hope that he ran the hotel better than the new bloke – but somehow the persistent smell of parrot droppings from the carpet suggests he didn’t

Anyways I knew Norman would like it if I was to get Terry’s autograph, so in I went and stood behind some twelve year old trying to control her triplets for half an hour. At my age I shouldn’t really be standing for as long, so I guess it’s no wonder as how I fell backwards into the Harry Potters. I think the security guard thought I was about to throw me knickers at Terry or something, so I had to try and explain about me dodgy hip. I don’t think he was impressed. He even threatened to get the police on me. Vandalism, he said! Imagine that, me a senile delinquent!
Anyway, Terry was lovely and gave me a few tips on places to visit, like the Caledonian Canal. Sadly I had to get back to the hotel, so as I could put me scooter on charge.

Next night I made it as far as Spean Bridge before the battery ran down on the side of the road. I must have been there for half-an-hour before this salesman came and offered me a lift to the garage. The mechanic who looked at the battery was very nice, but I could tell he were nowt but a silver-tongued bandit trying to fleece me. Never trust a man with hair so sleek you could ski down it, that’s what Norman would say.

There weren’t no hotels, not what I would call a hotel at any rate – so I managed to find a room at the local watering hole, the Florence Nightingale.
There wasn’t much on the menu and I spent a happy half an hour arguing that I just wanted a nice plate of chips and none of those fancy French Fries – if I wanted to eat French food I’d go to France, I said – but the manager just looked at me like I were mental. Eventually they brought me what he laughingly called soup, though the surface tension were such that I had to cut it with a knife before I could get me spoon in

Finally the mechanic came back with a new battery fitted and I were able to carry on to Fort William the next day and then to Ballachulish today. I can’t say I’m very impressed with the area, though the bridge is very posh. It’s taken me so long as to get here that I were very tempted to get on the train, but I don’t think Norman would ever forgive me if I gave up now.

Anyways, I’d best leave it there, as a chill wind’s a blowing through the hotel window and its going straight up me nightie.


PS: Don’t forget Mr Smith in room 12. He’s due for his rent, so feel free to kick the miserable bugger out if he don’t pay on time.


I was called to an incident at the local bookshop where a Mr Terrance Nutkins, formerly of Lovat Hotel, Fort Augustus, was signing his new book “Nutkins To See Here”. It was alleged by a member of staff that an elderly woman had deliberately destroyed a display of Braille books and attempted to thrust herself physically upon Mr Nutkins.

Upon enquiry I was informed the CCTV has been out of action for some time and that the lady had already departed the building by the time I arrived and was nowhere to be seen. The branch manager, Mr Spole, was unable to provide a description as the store was busy and Mr Nutkins was not interested in prosecuting. I have arranged to return to the shop at a quieter time to obtain a description of the suspect.


the watercats said...

Now.. that's how I'm gonna be when I'm old! I think I'm falling in love with the old girl, :-D

the watercats said...

oh.. and mr nutkins.. phroowwaaarrr.. (I always did have peculiar taste).. lol

Argent said...

Hahah, Maggie knocking down all those books. I have a secret desire to pull the bottom tin from one of those stacked displays in Tescos (it'd take them hours to set it back up!).

This story is really shaping up well.

Now, a title. How about: Land of the bodiless" or "Falling Slowly".

Good luck with NaNoWriMo. Feel free to discuss plot/characters/cake any time.

Reston Friends! said...

Maggie is a lovely old thing. I quite enjoy her. And I think the texting each week SO add to the story!

Now to title: I'm using my word verification:

Sparybk Speaks

Dr.John said...

I have fallen in love with Maggie, just don't tell my wife. We could ride our electric scooters side by side.
Too bad her story is coming to an end.

Now for some titles

" The Other End of the End "
"Parrot Soup for Breakfast"
" The Blind Spectacles"

Raven said...

I do hope you continue this story. It is absolutely delightful. As an aging wobbly walker myself, I'm delighting in her adventure and your wit.

As for a title for your novel - I wish I had the courage to try - I offer "A Gathering of Ravens" as my suggestion.

bettygram said...

I like the part where she falls into the Harry Potter books.

Fandango said...

Don't quit. We dragons find Maggie to be one of the funniest characters on the internet and so well written. We didn't even notice how long the short story was.