Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Conspiracy Theory (#1) - The world is ruled by plastic cones manufacturers.

Over recent years there have been a number of major road works in and around the area where I live – and I would guess the same is true for you.

You wake up one morning, turn in to the road and find a row of cones blocking off a lane. There is no evidence of any actual work being done.

Said cones stay in place for a number of weeks, never with any actual evidence of work being done. One day a group of people, mainly men, turn up, dig up a bit of land, fill it in and go away. The cones remain in place. They vanish, only to re-appear on the other side of the road. The procedure is repeated.

Let us, for arguments sake, say that these people are from the Gas Board. Over a period of time these supposed gas-boarders come and go, clearly stretching out a job that could be done in a week to gain them extra pay. Once they have finally finished, six months later, another group of men – this time from the Water Board – arrive.

Why could the two groups not have worked together to get all the work done in one go? Why has the beautiful tarmac been ripped up twice in the space of a year, leaving a crevice the size of the Grand Canyon to ruin your suspension? I’ll tell you why – it’s a conspiracy.

Back in the 70’s and 80’s we used to have sugar mountains and butter mountains, but strangely enough not Pringles mountains (it seems there were always enough people about willing to eat these) – but we also established a Plasic Road Cone mountain due to pressure from the Road Cone Manufacturers who secretly rule the world.

Their long term plan is to gain global domination by driving the populace to insanity and eventual civil war as a result of endless tailbacks and gridlocks.

The RCM (as they are known for short) are also responsible for dropping the wrong kind of leaves onto train tracks, removing bus time tables from bus stops and, some believe, actually drive every 5th vehicle on the road in an attempt to add to congestion.

The truth is that plastic cones are breeding and are only laid out on roads because there is nowhere else to store them. That’s why road works are never co-ordinated.

The alternative, that our local and national Government are so dis-organised that they couldn’t organise an escape committee from a paper-bag is too horrific to contemplate – so the alternate suggestion that we are secretly in the thrall of plastic manufacturers is actually quite a comforting one.

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