Dear Sir or madam, whoever you are
Congratulations to the one person in the whole of the UK that the Government hasn't lost the details of. By dint of living in a cave, not having any kids, learning to drive, opening any bank accounts or in any way trusting your clearly completely useless Government you have escaped sharing your details with con-men, identity thieves and Gordon Brown.
As you read this the Labour party are devising new and exciting ways to share your details with the public - so we advise cash purchases only and no vital life-saving operations in the next 6-12 months. Don't claim any benefits, earn a living or even buy a travel card. Cycle everywhere - you'll save the environment and lose a few llbs into the bargain.
It speaks volumes that in these days of Political Disenchantment the national papers are not calling for a vote of no-confidence in our Government despite a string of mistakes that make The Chuckle Brothers look competent, that no newspaper is campaigning for greater action following the recent environment meetings, better flood defences or for tougher sentances for criminals. Instead the most effective national campaign has been the "bring back the Wispa bar" campaign. So we may all be about to die horribly in a new ice age, but at least we'll have the satisfaction of decent chocolate.
Sadly, as your details have not been lost, traded, sent in the mail to some random parrot in Abergaveny (to date) we are unable to address this letter directly to you. Instead we wish you the best of luck with your continued privacy.