Having just watched the final of The X Factor 2007, which was won by that Scottish bloke I was convinced was out of it 4 weeks ago I have realised that there is a gap in the market for the ultimate Reality-Check TV.
Never mind your I’m A Non-Entity, Get Me A Career, forget your Forget Factors and Strictly Can’t Dancings – this is the Talent show to end all Talent shows
It’s called “Make Me A Monarch”
The concept –
1) We get rid of the Royal Family. I’m not talking of killing them or anything, just ship them off to a nice island somewhere in the Maldives with enough money and servants for them to be comfortable for a few years, after which they can earn their money from selling stories to “Hello”, “Chat” and by opening new branches of *insert corporation hell-bent on global domination of your choice here* , waving at tourists from balconies and selling off their palaces.
2) We hire a panel of celebrity judges: Simon Cowell (of course, because he gets everywhere), David Hasslehoff (for the European vote/viewer) and Bonnie Langford (because she’s more affordable than Paula Abdul or either of the Minogues)
3) We hold open auditions across the country and divide the categories into “celebrity” and “non-entity” (admittedly this leaves room for confusion in our current Z-list celebrity world)
4) We televise the whole process, making the potential Royals of the future sing, dance (on ice), act, play Polo, take elocution lessons, collect “stars” from muddy swamps and complete the Krypton Factor assault course (for anyone under the age of 25 the Krypton Factor was Mastermind with puzzles)
5) We have a phone-in public vote (because more people vote for The X Factor winner than vote in the general election)
6) The winner(s) get to be King and Queen for a pre-determined period of time
I think it’s a goer. Let’s face it voting for a King and Queen is more constitutional than simply allowing someone to become head of state via right of birth and even if we get someone worse than George Bush Jnr (which, unless Jade Goody is elected, I doubt – and even then…) they won’t actually have any real power – so it’s better all round and about the only thing likely to get the youth of today politicised outside of turning The House Of Parliament into a game for the Nintendo Wii…
Now there is a good idea! Nintendo – you saw it here first!