Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Don't Laugh At Me Coz I'm A Fool


Happiness
is where you find it
sometimes
it can be hard
to find it

Happiness
is often where
you least
expect to find it

But dont let the smile fool you
behind these eyes
their lies
a story that is seldom told

For who knows
how true
the tears of a clown
can be

Photo: Norman Wisdom (1915-2010)

Friday, 1 October 2010

The Old Ones Are The Best


Sherlock Holmes sat back and felt the thick grass through the blanket. The game of solitaire was beginning to bore him now, so patted his pockets and when they came away without discovering any matches he lit a thin cigarette from the oil lamp and extinguished the light.

He turned to his trusty companion and saw that his long diatribe on the need to save our schools from the decay in education had been wasted as Watson was gently snoring

The great detective frowned in thought for a second. The camping trip had been tolerable at best. Watson seemed to be enjoying himself and had even taken time out to catch a few butterflies but Holmes, neurotic as he was, could not relax.

There was something disturbing him, something that he could not quite fathom. It was only as he stared at the distant church that he realised what it was

Dr John Watson jumped awake as his companion uttered a sharp exclamation, ‘the candles, the candles’ he snapped before he had time to fully wake from the dream. He looked around and groaned as he saw the face of Sherlock Holmes peering into his

‘Having a quiet think were you Holmes?’ Watson asked, tongue in cheek

Holmes shook his head, ‘I am incapable of sleep tonight Watson’ he announced to the field of sheep, ‘I think it is the spam that we had for supper’

‘I told you to take some charcoal tablets’ Watson muttered, knowing he was wasting his breath. Holmes the man was lost to him now, replaced by Holmes the thinker

‘Tell me Watson’ Holmes asked, ‘When you look at the stars above us: what do you deduce?’

Watson thought for a moment, trying to clear his head. The usually reticent Holmes had been something of a chatter box tonight, but he had been too tired to concentrate on the Detective’s postulations and had fallen asleep. He was sensible enough, however, to realise when he was being tested.

‘Well Holmes’ Watson replied, clearing his throat for the forthcoming oration, ‘I deduce that our sun is one of many in an infinite universe: that each may contain planets much like our own and who knows: even life. I further deduce that it is a clear night with little chance of rain and that the nature of creation is far beyond the comprehension of a simple man like me.’

Holmes shook his head, ‘No, no my dear Watson, I will not have that. Though you lack the killer instinct of a trained professional your natural observation skills often lead you indirectly to the correct conclusion’ he paused, ‘although on this occasion you do seem to have missed one simple fact’

‘Oh?’ Watson asked, irked as usual by his companion’s ability to out think and out deduce him at every turn, ‘then tell me Holmes: when you look at the stars tonight – what do you deduce?’

‘Oh it’s quite elementary my dear Watson’ Holmes replied with a small grin, ‘I deduce that the tent has been stolen!’

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

At Home With The Montagues

assuming that the priest had made it in time, where might our star crossed lovers be today???


Juliet enters the living room from the kitchen and sees Romeo on the couch with a six-pack of beer

Juliet: Romeo, Romeo: why hast thou notst changest the cat litter tray?  Verily it hast been four days since the cat did shat and the kitchen dost smell of wee

Romeo: Juliet, the stars doest shine from the lights in thine eyes, but thou knowest not to expect household chores fromst mineself whilst the football season ist in full swing.  Besides: thou hast not done the dusting for ere on a month of sundays and mine mother shalt visit this very weekend i'faith.

Juliet: thou didst not inform me that thine mother wouldst be arriving on the sabbath

Romeo: i'faith, but i didst: i texted thee most rapidly, and mine n'uncle as well

Juliet: Thy n'uncle is thrice visited this week, but either thy texts are false or thou ist, as my SIM card doest prove

Romeo: doubt that the very stars doest shine but doubt not mine texts. 

Juliet: Hast thy called the gas board today likest I asked of thee?

Romeo: Verily i didst but I was placed on hold ere three hours had passed and thy child didst wail and moan most grieviosly

Juliet: child of mine? How ist it that when our child doest misbehave he doest become mine only

Romeo: Alas, but the child ist mine also, i must confess.  Hast thou had a hard day at work?

Juliet: thou knowest i didst, or perhaps you were not in truth listening when i camest in and toldest thou?

Romeo: Listen most earnestly I didst, but thou knowest that mine ears do not hear verily when mine belly ist empty

Juliet: All thou hadst to do when thy got in wast to putest thou food in yonder microwave likest i instructed thee - instead i see that the cat hast most well been fed again.

Romeo: in truth i didst not see thy note and did drop the plate.  It is true that the cat didst benefit most well from my misfortune.  Perhaps i should venture forth and swiftly purchase a Big Mac?

Juliet: Perhapst thou shouldest at that: and make mine a cheese burger

Saturday, 25 September 2010

The Wordzzle Opera

OK hello again - and apologies for the below Wordzzle.  I was really in two minds as to publish it or not as I wrote it late in the evening with a headache from travelling - so it didn't really come out as well as it sounded in my head.

As you may have noticed I had a go at Magpie tales this week.  It was interesting to try a different type of challenge - but I think I find Raven's Wordzzles more interesting - you can pretty much do what you want with a picture, whereas words set by someone else make you work a bit harder for the payoff.  Maybe everyone should have a regular try at both - keep those thought muscles working.

As you know Raven publishes a series of words - 5, 10 and 15 to be incorporated in any way you see fit.  This week we have a one off idea that came from recently listening to some Puccini and thinking "well, it sounds nice - but i don't have a clue what it's all in aid of"

Words for thisweek's 10-word challenge are: English, edible, eagerly, elves, eulogy, estimable, entrance, education, extra-special, Energizer Bunny

And for the mini: drab, dutiful, dusty, delicatessen, dart board

----------

La Stationeria
A modern day opera about love, life and stationery supplies
Act The First

“Ode To The New World”
The early hours before opening and the products sing eagerly of their joy that soon they will be sold and go forth into the world

“Deep Secrets”
Amongst the voices Harold the novelty stapler sings a eulogy to his forbidden love: Florence the duplex photocopier

“Opening Time”
The shop assistance arrive and sing about the futility of life selling items of stationery

“What Do You Want?”
As the customers arrive we see Claude, the education specialist. He is marking the scores from his English class and needs an extra-special stapler. In contrast Harold the stapler sings of his attempts to hide – but will Harold be sold?
Act The Second

“Ode To A Busted Staple”
Claude tries out the various staplers on display – none of them make the grade, but tragedy strikes when he sees Florence the duplex photocopier as advertised by Gertrude

“Lapin”(French for bunny)
Gertrude the shop assistant makes her entrance, dressed as an Energizer Bunny and sings about the shelf life of batteries. Claude, unseen, sings of how he wishes to make Gertrude fall in love with him

“The Copies Are On Me”
Florence the duplex photocopier sings of the estimable service she provides to the world as Gertrude and Claude debate the price of her sale. They fix on a price and Claude goes to the counter with the love of Harold’s life in his arms

Act The Third

“Oh My My”
Harold is comforted by the edible calculators and decides he must take his revenge on the world outside.

“It’s In Our Hands”
Claude and Gertrude plan their lives together whilst Harold conspires with the other supplies.

“Take Me Up The Aisle”
The staff of the shop, unaware of the machinations of Harold pause to wonder if it is the magic elves that haunt the shop that are moving the staplers around

“Never Make The Sale”
On the verge of being sold Harold makes his move and Claude is stricken by a fatal papercut

“Ode To A Dying World”
As the papercut takes Claude’s final moments he sings of his love of Gertrude and sings his dying aria “I wish I’d bought a tumble dryer instead”

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Last Bus To Woodstock (Or Thereabouts)


The woman at the front of the queue doesn't understand.  She pulls at the pockets of the fur-lined coat and pulls out a small purse.  She waves it at the sour faced guard.

He shakes his head, 'Sorry luv'

The queue is growing. The smell of dampness hangs around us all, makes the place stink of days old washing.  Human washing, pulled in from the storm outside.

She waves her credit cards at him again and complains, 'Look' she says, 'You must take one of these cards'

He shakes his head, 'Your bank's six feet underwater luv' he explains, 'Your money's no good here'

A few of us are getting weary of this now.  It's been a long couple of weeks.  Homes, jobs, families: all are swept away.  The army of the dead are marching and this woman thinks she can buy her way into heaven.

You can tell from the way she holds her head that she's used to getting what she wants and she tries the trademark icy smile that has frozen so many people into submission.  But the guard is impervious to her looks and her pleas and is not swayed by her expensive perfume

'Your name's not down luv' he explains.  The waters are rising now around the remains of the terminal.  There's only a few seats left on the last bus out.  I wonder if i should have joined the queue with the nun at the front, but see that she is still arguing ecumenical matters when she should be climbing onboard.

Somewhere behind me someone breaks ranks, runs through the crowd towards the gates and tries to climb aboard the bus.  He is struck down.  No one says a thing.

The woman watches for a while, unable to comprehend that this fate could befall her, 'Look,' she explains again, still not getting it, 'surely everyone accepts AMX these days?'

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Back Once Again With The Renegade Master

Greetings Fellow Bloggers: us hungry pixies are back. We'd love to tell you why we went away, but much like Fight Club - we don't talk about it. So please don't ask if you don't already know.

It's enough to say that we're back: leaner, meaner and short of a few pounds here and there where we've been working up our creative juices.

Sorry I wasn't able to run the Poetry Bus this week as promised, but moving on, and to make amends for those of you who were afraid you'd never see the end of my Wordzzle (and who missed part 8 on Raven's blog), here it is again:

OK – before I start I wanted to explain a bit about the idea behind this story. A while ago there was a programme on TV where they took members of the public and they trained them to be spies, making them go through the type of exercises that a real spy (not the movie type of spy) would be expected to do. Some of these exercises included: Taking on a false identity in a work place and slowly convincing someone to help you by little indiscretions (IE shared confidence in something or sneaky breaks) and slowly building up, following a close relative and leaving a message without being seen, obtaining evidence from a house via surveillance and so forth.

So the original idea of the story was: what would it be like to have to take on a different identity, maybe for years – just sending back reports and pretending to be someone you’re not. I think after a while the lines would become blurred. So I wanted to write a spy story that felt more realistic than the action/adventure of a James Bond/Jason Bourne adventure – I’m not entirely sure I succeeded, but the end result was interesting nonetheless.

Sleeper – part 8 (the final)

The waves crashed against the side of the boat bringing with them the salty smell of the sea. The wind calmed for a second, allowing the two people at the stern of the boat a seconds respite from the spray.

Sir Keith Chegwin turned his head away from the water, his bushy eyebrows furrowing in thought. If he listened carefully he could almost make out the tune playing on the piano in the first class lounge: something he felt he could almost name, but that kept slipping from his memory.

The person standing next to him shivered and pulled the huge jacket tighter around their frame but otherwise didn’t move.

‘It’s a shame’ Sir Keith muttered almost under his breath, ‘a real shame’

The figure nodded, saying nothing for the moment: so much work gone to waste, and for what?

Sir Keith cleared his throat, still feeling the after-effect of the carrot soup he had eaten at midday on his breath. They were half a mile from France now: no turning back now. Operation Littlegirl was a failure – blown wide open by a classic case of over-enthusiasm. He wondered if the careers of anyone involved would ever be the same.

It all went back fifteen years to 1995: five Russian operatives had gone missing under surveillance. It was suspected that one of the agents watching them had defected – but so far there was no evidence of this. Then they had found the diary. No names, no dates – just an entry saying “The Facility”. It had been enough for them to send an agent undercover within the Facility and from thereon in it was as if the Devil himself had decided to shuffle the cards of fate

Bomb threats, over-active imaginations and people too keen to get promotion at any cost: Divine had made a classic rookie mistake – joined the dots in a way that suited him and thrown the balance of the equation into overdrive. He had wrongly assumed that either Sophie or Mark were the Russian agent and had first tried subtlety then out-and-out blackmail and lies. In short his behaviour had been like a blind polar bear wading through a wall of fish, sending the tails of chaos flapping.
And yet…

If you throw a rock up in the air you’re bound to find someone guilty – or at least hit a spy if you were at the Facility. The bomb had been entirely separate, some disgruntled employee entirely unconnected, but through the blundering of the resulting scare Operation Littlegirl had been blown apart – because once the finger of blame was pointed at someone it was no longer safe to keep them there.

The figure in the coat shivered again and held out a hand, ‘I’ll need a new passport’

Sir Keith nodded and handed over the documents, ‘Here.’ He cleared his throat again, ‘I thought you might like to know…’ he paused, wondering how to put it into words, ‘Trenchard from finance went missing shortly after the bomb scare – hasn’t been seen since. It looks like he was the Russian…’

The figure threw back its head and laughed once, then shook it’s head, ‘Typical. I never suspected Trenchard for a second’

There was a second’s hesitation as the small, almost frozen, hands prized open the passport and stared at the picture and the name. Then Sophie pulled back the hood

‘Heather Green?’ She said distastefully, then shrugged: it was as good a name as any.

Monday, 13 September 2010

Passing On The Thing

OK - so the other day I got given a thing by The Watercats and I muchly greatful for said thing - i've always wanted a thing and you can rest assured that it will be put on display in a suitable location.

I think when I accept the thing I'm supposed to tell you seven random things about myself and pass said thing onto someone else - not sure I can entirely manage this but, will do my best:

1) I was a member of the Junior Magic Circle and used to be an annoying precocious kid performing tricks at strangers (I left shortly after realising Senior Magic Circle was little more than an old man's drinking club)

2) I'd like to see "Musical Chairs", "Pass The Parcel" and "What's The Time Mr Wolf" on the list for the 2012 Olympic Games

3) I was once surprised to bump into (he's a quiz show host/comedian) Les Dennis whilst waiting outside a local theatre

4) I once cycled 300 miles across China (more of which later this month to mark the anniversary)

5) I'm rubbish at finishing the novels i start to write

6) I really, really didn't enjoy "Fight Club" and thought the end of "Se7en" was just daft (controvertial, i know)

7) My next Poetry Bus challenge will be announced this Friday to save me posting Poetry Bus twice arond my Wordzzle

OK - so the only people I can think to pass this onto who haven't already had it are:

A Bug's View

Total Feckin Eejeet

Do with it what you will