Tuesday, 4 September 2012

The Essential Cat Guide To Humans

The Human

Human purpose - used to propel humans to the food bowl or for magic portal opening duties.
Cat purpose - for pouncing on, especially when covered by a duvet or blanket

Human purpose - uncertain, linked in some form to feet
Cat purpose - ideal climbing and scratching posts

Human purpose - seems to be designed purely for benefit of cats
Cat purpose - source of heat and comfort. Ideal sleeping position

Human purpose - for feeding cats, opening the magic portal to the Garden.  Additional purpose - for entertaining cats
Cat purpose - to be avoided if any mention of the word Vet is used.  Ideally used as place to sleep at night, although humans don't seem to realize this and have a tendency to push cats off

Human purpose - making strange noises.  Only noises of interest are: noise associated with calling for food, the word "food" and the word "vet"
Cat purpose - ideal place of warmth.  Climb on top at night - poke features if no food is forthcoming

The Environment

The Magic Portal
This leads to the garden where Birds, mice, frogs etc must be gathered and returned to the humans as thanks for food.  Any noise in the vicinity of the magic portal is a sign that the humans are letting you out for a while, regardless of their actions and noises to the contrary

The Main Quarters
Where humans stare at strange images on a box.  There are interesting places to clim and sit.  Humans respond well to knocking things over and will often pick you up and show you attention if you are on specific sites of interest, such as computer keyboards, tables and infront of the image box

The Kitchen
Any activity in the vicinity of this room is a signal that humans are about to offer you food - humans may not initially realize this, so it is important to keep staring at them the entire time they are in this room.  When they return from the room with food on plates it is important to sit at their feet and continue the staring activities until they capitulate.

Sleeping Quarters
A high comfy area designed for cats to spend the dark hours asleep.  The main purpose of the space is for cats to take up as much room as possible.  Humans should be allowed some small measure of space beneath the covers as a potential additional source of heat only

The Water Room
Best avoided - especially if the word "fleas" is used

Cat Duties

Cat duties for humans are limited as the purpose of humans is as an aid to cats.  However, it is vital to ensure that they feel comfortable when they are stressed or looking busy.  If one has a phone in its hand, or a magic box on its lap then you must climb over it, sit on it and push your face into the face of the human until they desist from what they are doing and gain the vitally needed relaxation that cats can offer.  Another way to do this is to offer them food in return for the regularly filled bowl.  The more decayed the bird, mouse etc is - the better the human will respond


Titus said...

A glorious reminder as to why I'm in the dog camp.

The Bug said...

LOL - I'm with Titus (although actually I prefer my human pet to any nonspeaking variety - ha!).

Stephen Hayes said...

Fun observations. I haven't owned a cat in years but when I did I was very close to my meow friend of eleven years.

Argent said...

All true and it gets worse the more of them you have!

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Titus - i would have a dog if i didn't have to work, cats can at least look after themselves most of the time

Bug - humans can be hazardous to the health as well

Stephen - cats are great

Argent - don't worry, your status as Mad Cat Person is assured

roxy said...

I love the environment bit. Magic portal. My cat, Chewie, seems to forget she doesn't like the cold, or wind, and then always stops 3 steps outside of the magic portal.

pohanginapete said...

Brilliant. Could only have been written by a cat's staff.