Cooking With The Pixies

A recent post by Anne-Marie reminded me that I have been intending to publish some quick recipes for a while - done in the way that only a Hungry Pixie can do them. All recipies are based on two very hungry people pigging themselves.

Cucumber And Red Onion Riatta
This works well as a starter, a dip or, most popularly in our house, as a filling for Jacket Potatoes. Don't let the word "Onion" put you off - as even friends who don't usually like onions have enjoyed this recipe

Take 1/2 a cucumber and grate it over a bowl
Pick up all the mushy bits going "urrrg, urrg, this is disgusting" and squeeze as much of the juice as possible - chuck away the juice

Take a medium sized red onion - you'll have to judge what counts as medium for yourself - and chop this really finely, pausing to take out the pieces of flesh as and when required

Take a clove of garlic and cut this finely as well. Chuck both in with the cucumber.

If you have fresh chilli peppers then take a green chilli and cut off the end - about " " depending on how much of your tongue you want burned off. If you don't have any fresh then you want the tiniest atom of dried chilli powder that you can possibly put on your spoon as an alternate option.

Take some ground cumin and a few cumin seeds - about half a tea-spoon depending on taste and chuck these in to the mix with everything else.

Take some plain yoghurt - how much? About 2-3 spoons. Enough to make the mix thick but not enough for it to turn to sludge, and mix it all in together.

Bung it on a plate and neglect to mention to (INSERT HOT-FOOD HATING RELATIVE NAME HERE) that it has chilli powder and raw garlic in.

There might be ginger involved as well - but I can't remember right now.

Spicy Rice
A quick and easy meal - so simple to make that even King Numptie of the Numptie tribe could manage it

OK - some of you probably saw the word rice in there and panicked - i mean, rice comes in a bag or comes out congealed, right? Well - here's the three steps that you need to get perfect rice everytime:

1) Put your rice in the biggest pan you have (about a small teacup of white basmati rice works best for this recipie) - the more space the rice has to move the better
2) Wash the rice in warm water a couple of times and then in cold water - this gets out all the starch
3) If you have time leave the rice to soak for about 1/2 hour - this stage can be missed out for all of you out there who actually have a life.

Once you have chucked your rice into a big pan get a few vegetables - just make it up as you go. I usually use a carrot and a tin of peas, but whatever is left in your fridge will do. Cut up the raw vegetables small (they cook quicker this way) and chuck them in the water with the rice

Put a teaspoon of Tumeric into the water - Tumeric has almost no taste and anything you use to cook Tumeric in should be washed up immediately unless you like your tupperware an odd shade of yellow. It's there purely as a colourant.

Turn on the gas/electric and let the rice begin to cook. white rice will take about 20 mins, brown more like 40. You'll know it's done when the rice starts bubbling to the surface, but if you're not sure take a few grains out and try crushing them - if they crush easily it's done.

Whist the rice is jumping like catfish in a bowl (yeah) you want to get some onions - i dunno how many, depends on how much you like onions. Generally speaking about 1 onion, but for all I know you could be addicted to onions and eat them by the dozen. Chop the onion (or onions) very small.

In a frying pan pour some oil, peppercorns, mustard seeds and another type of seed of your choice - fenugreek or cumin are both nice. How much? Again, you're the one at the bleedin cooker - you decide. Oh I dunno - about THAT much.

Oh yeah - if you have them: some curry leaves as well. You might want garlic and/or ginger as well if you're really feeling adventurous. (generally they say 2 thumb-sized piece of ginger, but please don't go chopping off opposable digits to be sure)

Put a cover over the pan - the peppercorns and mustard seeds will pop and take out eyes, ears and - in extreme cases - dentures.

Once they've stopped going insane in the pan remove the lid, add the onions and cook until they change colour. Remove from the heat.

Once the rice is cooked drain it - again if you have no life you can leave this to cool, or you can just bung it straight into the pan like the rest of us human beings.

Mix it about and chuck in the tiniest atom of chili powder to the rice. Bung it on two plates

Rhubharb & Ginger Crumble
Pudding - full of sugar, but mmmmmmmmmm.......

Rhubarb is only available for a small part of the year, so make the most of it. Buy one of those packs you get in supermarkets with three or four sticks in and then chop it up nice and small - you'll have to work out for yourself how much as this depends on the size of the sticks and what a greedy bugger you are.

Get a dish that can go in the oven and chuck the rhubarb in the bottom (generally most cooks suggest greasing the dish - but again us humans usually spend the next three weeks scraping it clean because we forgot)

Get some ginger. I don't know how much, do i???? How much have you got??? How much do you like???? Well, chuck it in then. Seriously - about a thumb-sized piece and chopped nice and finely - sprinkled over the rhubharb.

Get some flour - generally i use a mix of rice flour and gram flour - but you want about 2 parts rice flour and 1 part gram, because gram has quite a strong nutty flavour and can be overpowering.

Chuck in some margarine and what looks like enough sugar to take away the tang of the rhubarb - i never measure these things, so wouldn't have a clue how much you need to use - basically the end result of the flour/sugar/margarine should be enough to just cover the top of the rhubarb - but not so much that you end up eating big mouthfulls of flour

Mix in the margarine/butter until its mixed in. Bung the result over the rhubarb and shove it in the oven - about gas mark 6. Leave it there until the flour has gone brown and/or the rhubarb has gone soft

Eat - and pretend the pile of washing up has nothing to do with you.