Saturday, 15 May 2010

Three Ideas For The Price Of One (Poems, Stories Etc)

OK so - 'tis Poetry Bus Time again and this week my single solitary idea for a pome was so grim that I thought I'd best follow it with a few things to cheer you up again and get you all talking.

As you know by now Total Feckin Eejit has stated good claim to be the owner of the Blog that Guiness would run if Guiness ran blogs (IE probably the best) and instigator of the Poetry Bus.

At the moment the bus is on tour and different past participants are taking it in turn to drive (look out for my stint behind the wheel in late June)

This week I had the pleasant experience of discovering a new blog via the bus as I ventured to Barbara’s Bleeuugh! for the first time and was set the challenge of starting a poem with "I got down on my knees and smelled the new linoleum..."

Out Of Gas

I got down on my knees and smelled the new linoleum
Picked up the heavy jar full of liquid petroleum
Struck up the match, held it over my head
Wished that I had gone and bought shagpile instead

OK - told you it was grim. So - idea number two is a quick one that I saw on a comedy programme last night, but which appealed to my sense of surreallness. The idea is the science of Oppositism.

So - you probably think that the opposite of a knife is a fork - but think about the function of a knife: it's to cut things. So the opposite of a knife would be glue.

And the purpose of hair is to keep the top of your head warm - so the opposite would be some kind of ice hat.

I'm sure many fun hours can be spent with following this idea to it's illogical ends so will leave you to devise your own.

And finally a return to Raven's Wordzzle's - a challenge that a few more of the Poetry Bussers might enjoy having a go at.

Raven sets a list of words: five, ten or fifteen depending on how adventurous you are feeling - and the idea is to encorporate them into stories (or poems, guys)

This week I've decided to stick to the mini: eggs over easy, lawn mower, forgiveness, cold shoulder, chipper and bring you an idea that has been lurking in my head for a day or so:

Are We There Yet?

Sir Henry Polkington-Smythe 3rd took a moment to look around at the view and did his best to breathe in a full lungful of air in the thin atmosphere. Despite the long climb and hard work he was feeling quite chipper and rather pleased with himself

"Ah Ptolome, we have made it"

Ptolome, the long suffering guide, who had done all the actual hard work of planning the route to the summit, carrying the bags and, one one occasion, pulling a particularly nasty thorn out of somewhere unpleasant, merely nodded and grunted as if he had done nothing more than reach the local bus stop.

Sir Henry ignored the guide, giving him the cold shouder as he took a second to think of some inspiring words, "I, Sir Henry Polkington-Smythe the third, do hereby claim Mount Bloodyhardgoing for Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth. By the grace of God may this mountain be forever a part of England"

There was a polite round of applause, so nearby that it took Sir Henry a moment to realise that it wasn't Ptolome. He looked around and saw the two old-aged pensioners staring politely at him over a mug of tea

"Nicely done lad, very inspiring" said the old man

"Who the bloody hell are you?" Sir Henry enquired

"Mr and Mrs Jenkins" said Mr Jenkins, with a gesture requesting forgiveness as he turned his attention back to the small stove that had been set on the rug just three foot from Sir Henry's now rather sad looking British flag, "I'll have my eggs over easy dear" Mr Jenkins said to his wife, "how about you?" Mrs Jenkins just nodded and pushed her false teeth back into her mouth so she wouldn't have to gum the food to death

"But..." Sir Henry tried to fathom what had happened, "I've just spent two weeks climbing up this mountain - the first explorer to reach the summit..." he trailed off as he realised that what he had initially thought to be a walking stick was actually the handle of a lawnmower

"Really?" Mr Jenkins said with a frown, "Barbara and I have been coming up this hill every wednesday for a picnic since we were fourteen. Normally we bring the dog, but he's not feeling well today"

"Hill???" Sir Henry nearly shouted, "But I nearly fell and broke my neck on the north face sixteen times!!!"

"Yes" Mr Jenkins said, "we saw that" He paused, "You know you really should have used the steps like everyone else around here does"


"Yes" Said Mr Jenkins as he got up and started folding the blanket, "Come on, I'll take you to the gift shop and tell you all about it"


Argent said...

The poem was grim - the second this week involving setting fire to stuff. I like the last line - it's the kind of irrelevant nonsense I think would come into my head as I was poised to do something momentous. I love the 'opposites' idea too, so I'm going to have a think on that. And welcome back to Wordzzles with another Pixies humour classic.
Struggling with my Wordzzle this week: the words are a million miles away from my story.

Raven said...

Quite a poem... now my brain is attempting to get itself to think of linoleum poems

Oppositism... interesting. I like your examples.

And of course I love your wordzzle. Made me laugh. Nice to have you back. Poor Argent has been The Lone Wordzzler for a while now (well, not counting me).

Niamh B said...

Interesting idea on the opposites, I shall have to think of a few...

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

argent - i forgot about Prime Opposites

Like a hammer is used for putting a nail in, but also for pulling a nail out - so it's a Prime Opposite

Raven - i do enjoy the wordzzles, but i like to give both that and the poetry bus a break from time to time or my blog becomes nothing but...

Niamh - hours of fun for all the family!

Peter Goulding said...

Oh wow - great minds think alike, re the petroleum and the arson. Though the one leads one on to the other, so perhaps its not that much of a coincidence!
Those opposites are intriguing...

Poetikat said...

Peter's saying arson, but I'm thinking more self-immolation. Whew! That was really something!


Pure Fiction said...

The line brought me down a similar road, but after some pondering I took a sharp left and headed for somewhere sunnier ;)
Nothing wrong with grim, tho, or funny either -
Wished that I had gone and bought shagpile instead.

Bill said...

A fun short poem. I wish I'd thought of the petroleum angle. As for Sir Henry and Ptolome, shades of Pozzo and Lucky, I thought. It reminded me of the time I went walking with quite a lot of gear somewhere near the Chiltern Hills. A local wag said to me "Katmandu's that way, mate."

The Bug said...

Loved the Wordzzle! Made me laugh out loud - literally!

Titus said...

I liked the grim, and that final line is a stunner!

The science of Oppositism sounds like the sort of field I need to be exploring.

As the purpose of a television is to entertain one visually and aurally, the opposite must be "Britain's Got Talent". Hmm, not quite PhD yet...

the watercats said...

I love the grim poem :-D and the wee story is cool too :-) it reminded me of clubbing in Cork city, in a place called Sir Henry's (now part of Cork legend), I can't wait to hear your stuff on d'radioo!

crazyfieldmouse said...

Grim yes, but there is a little touch of the gallows humour in there too. loved it
thanks for sharing

NanU said...

Terrific story! I should really get around to the Wordzzlers and check it all out.

Jeanne Iris said...

Morbid, yet somehow funny. Hmmm... maybe it's the weather outside. ;)

Totalfeckineejit said...

Funny, clever and surreal.I likes it!

roxy said...

I liked the story... it could even be quite eerie .. although this time I laughed :)

dirt clustit said...

to be totally honest I do not understand why Sir henry didn't declare the summit of the hill as part of carrying on the healing mission of Jesus the Christ instead of the queen of england.

It was a good tale, I just didn't understand the ending, so did Sir henry have to pay for the services of the guide? or did he have a coupon for one free guide? (and nonault is the word verifaction) sometimes what they ask you to type to verify is funny as hell (in an ironic sort of way)