Tuesday, 11 August 2009

Hurdy-Gurdy Mushroom Man

I’m going to invent a disease. It’s called Hurdy-Gurdy Disease, or HGD.

HGD is spread by people humming off-key fragments of songs, by radio presenters playing naff music and by Simon Cowell. Symptoms include desperately trying to think of ANY other song than the one stuck in your head, finding yourself unable to remember anything more than the first line of the chorus and increased teeth gritting.

Experts will come on TV and state that they are expecting a pandemic of HGD during the summer around about the time that Novelty Hits like “the Macarena” are released and advise young children against downloading it to their mobile phones.

When symptoms turn out to be milder than expected they will attempt to compensate by claiming that there will be a second much stronger wave when the remix comes out.

Government advice will be confusing at best: some advising early treatment and that people with particularly nasty cases (IE anyone with Agadoo or The Birdy Song stuck in their head) should call their Doctor from home and seek advice. Scientists will rush to produce a vaccine and then produce conflicting information about its effectiveness.

Some hard put upon news presenter will be filmed standing outside Number 10 Downing Street in the rain, questions will be asked in the House of Lords. Analysts will strive to decide the effect that HGD has had on work productivity and the economy. Kylie Minogue’s back catalogue will do a nice bit of business and anyone with shares in Syco will make a fortune.

If it’s a particularly quiet news week Sting will be invited onto Question Time and asked to justify the lyrics to “Walking On The Moon” (come on: Giant steps are what we take/I hope my leg don’t break…). Madonna will promote Adopt A Child For HGD and come on stage shouting “wave your hands in the air if you hate annoying songs”. The irony of this question will be discussed for years to come.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown will discuss tactics with Barack Obama who, being sufficienly “down with the kids”, will have a copy of all the worst offenders on CD and tell Brown to get a life.

People will come to work with their fingers in their ears noisily shouting “la la la la la” in a misguided attempt to drown out HGD. Employers will provide free Iron Maiden CDs to sufferers (to drown out the annoying song) and Earplugs to those who have not caught it to date. Takings on public transport will be sufficiently down.

Best advice is to catch it now and recover whilst the symptoms are still minor. Anyone wishing to get HGD and get it over with should watch the below video.

NB: THE PUBLISHERS OF THIS POST WOULD LIKE TO STATE FOR POSTERITY THAT THIS IS, IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM, AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE FUN OF THE EXTREME OVER-REACTION TO WHAT HAS TURNED OUT (IN GENERAL) TO BE A BIT OF A COLD IN RECENT WEEKS (HONEST)

14 comments:

English Rider said...

Now that's a post with "identity" written all over it!

The Clandestine Samurai said...

Dam, I didn't realize Kylie Minogue went back that far.

I don't know. People having an annoying song stuck in their head is quite the pandemic, but which battlefield is that disease fought, in the person's mind or at the radio stations? I mean, why would a song be stuck in our heads? It could arouse something emotional or physical, but be a stupid song. So, you know you shouldn't like it, but it appeals anyway.

What I really came here for to tell you that the trailer for "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus" is here.

pohanginapete said...

Marvellous.

I suspect HGD is more widespread than the common cold, TB or malaria.

Posting that Kylie Minogue clip was pure evil. ;^P

india said...

aah, the Hummers. over and over again. HGD, i like it.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

English - he he! Indeed! I think i've just got a bit impatient with the current nanny state/lets panic about everything reactions we're having at the moment. Not that pandemics aren't serious - but sometimes our news/media/government need a bit of perspective

Samurai - she first became well known in the mid 1980s from Aussie soap "Neighbours" - sometimes we forget. Songs are designed to be catchy, so i guess we will never eradicate HGD.

Thanks for the link - i will definately be watching the trailer.

Pete - evil as it is i suspect there are even more irritating songs out there!

India - glad you enjoyed.

Argent said...

Hahahaha, very amusing. There are more catchy/evil songs around. A friend and I repeatedly re-infected one-another with Lou Reed's Perfect Day (or Poikick Day,as we used to sing it). The virulence of this song has not dimmed even after 10 years and can even be transmitted via email. Then there a certain Year of the Gun which I caught recently and am still getting over.... (that's odd, the verification word today is GANGS)

Lydia said...

There is a song in my head that's been there since late childhood. From a TV ad, of all things. click
Note the person who posted this has an "LSS Advisor" at top right. I've never heard of LSS ..... is it akin to HGD?

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

argent - perfect day is a great song, but lacks that catchy annoyance that HGD spreads

Lydia - strange as it may sound i think i've heard that song before somewhere - although we don't have that product here! Last Song Syndrome is a weaker strain of HGD - which can bring back songs that you heard ages ago as well as most recent! Thanks for the link :)

Michael said...

Around here, people whistle. Not many hummers (unless you count the giant 4X4s that many Albertans choose for their commutes).

a quasi French woman said...

Christ on a cross!

I've had that disease since childhood, especially bad case on Christmas Eve. Johnny Case said that he had to treat his with a dose of the radio, of all things.

So pleased to finally have a name for it now! Now I can go back to humming the theme song from "The Patty Duke Show." Thanks a million...

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Michael - whistling is another recognised way of spreading the disease

Quasi-french woman - thanks for visiting and glad to give your symptoms a name!

English Rider said...

I have also heard it called "An Ear Worm", which conjures images of Dune Sci-Fi monsters. The most monstrous is the Disney: It's a Small Small World.

the watercats said...

Goddamn you!... but now I've re-remembered Neil from the young one's one hit wonder!.... "letting in water... letting in waaaa'terr.."
"hurdy gurdy mushroom man, locked me in the frying pan......"... something, something... and something about "it's hard to start your car with the front door key...".... lalalalalalalalaa.... "what can you do when.. the hole in your shoe.. is... letting in waaater...."... AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! (you tube is beckoning....!)

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

English - oh good grief - i had forgotten It's A Small World!!!!!

Surely proof that if there is no God then at least there is a devil!

Watercats - he he: you won't go far/in a motorcar/with my front door key. Glad you got the reference!