I’m going to invent a disease. It’s called Hurdy-Gurdy Disease, or HGD.
HGD is spread by people humming off-key fragments of songs, by radio presenters playing naff music and by Simon Cowell. Symptoms include desperately trying to think of ANY other song than the one stuck in your head, finding yourself unable to remember anything more than the first line of the chorus and increased teeth gritting.
Experts will come on TV and state that they are expecting a pandemic of HGD during the summer around about the time that Novelty Hits like “the Macarena” are released and advise young children against downloading it to their mobile phones.
When symptoms turn out to be milder than expected they will attempt to compensate by claiming that there will be a second much stronger wave when the remix comes out.
Government advice will be confusing at best: some advising early treatment and that people with particularly nasty cases (IE anyone with Agadoo or The Birdy Song stuck in their head) should call their Doctor from home and seek advice. Scientists will rush to produce a vaccine and then produce conflicting information about its effectiveness.
Some hard put upon news presenter will be filmed standing outside Number 10 Downing Street in the rain, questions will be asked in the House of Lords. Analysts will strive to decide the effect that HGD has had on work productivity and the economy. Kylie Minogue’s back catalogue will do a nice bit of business and anyone with shares in Syco will make a fortune.
If it’s a particularly quiet news week Sting will be invited onto Question Time and asked to justify the lyrics to “Walking On The Moon” (come on: Giant steps are what we take/I hope my leg don’t break…). Madonna will promote Adopt A Child For HGD and come on stage shouting “wave your hands in the air if you hate annoying songs”. The irony of this question will be discussed for years to come.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown will discuss tactics with Barack Obama who, being sufficienly “down with the kids”, will have a copy of all the worst offenders on CD and tell Brown to get a life.
People will come to work with their fingers in their ears noisily shouting “la la la la la” in a misguided attempt to drown out HGD. Employers will provide free Iron Maiden CDs to sufferers (to drown out the annoying song) and Earplugs to those who have not caught it to date. Takings on public transport will be sufficiently down.
Best advice is to catch it now and recover whilst the symptoms are still minor. Anyone wishing to get HGD and get it over with should watch the below video.
NB: THE PUBLISHERS OF THIS POST WOULD LIKE TO STATE FOR POSTERITY THAT THIS IS, IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM, AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE FUN OF THE EXTREME OVER-REACTION TO WHAT HAS TURNED OUT (IN GENERAL) TO BE A BIT OF A COLD IN RECENT WEEKS (HONEST)