Friday, 3 July 2009

A Fate Verse Than Death

The lights go down and there is a slight hush in the audience as Jabarant Sintwort, former journalist and manager of The Prisoners, comes to the microphone

JS: Ladies and gentlemen – I know that this evening has been advertised as an extended Bingo Marathon, but the truth is that for tonight and tonight only the surviving members of The Prisoners are here with us (muffled applause). So please welcome on stage: on drums, the one, the only Mister William D. Beest (applause as a rather shaggy looking individual enters stage right wearing Jonh Lennon style sunglasses and waves drum sticks in the air)

On keyboards – all the way from his hairdressing academy in Totnes please welcome Malcolm “Milky” T Wallace (applause rises as smartly dressed man looking vaguely like Rick Wakeman from “Yes” enters and plays a few random chords on a battered looking keyboard)

Next up: please welcome the Buddhist Bassist of Brentford: Jack Hammer (a long haired individual with leather trousers and a low-slung bass enters playing a famous bass line by Fleetwood Mac)

As you all know Randy Sexpot vanished some years ago now following a freak yodelling accident. To this date we have no idea whether he is alive or dead. So tonight, on lead guitar and backing vocals, please welcome the one, the only Mr Eric “Mr Spoon” McGraw (polite, if slightly bemused applause)

Back with the band one final time from his retreat in Tibet, on harmonica it’s the legendary Howling Jay Cloth! (room goes wild as an incredibly tall and thin figure lollops onto stage, waving with both hands)

And finally: the man with a plan: he’s been described as having a voice like an off-key pneumatic drill…It’s that most neglected of pixies…Don’t Feed The Pixies

Our hero comes to the mike to the sounds of applause and JS slopes off stage

DFTP: Hello Derby & Joan Club, it’s great to be back! (there is a combined rattling of Zimmer frames). We’ve got a couple of new songs to play to you tonight – hope you like them. This song is a protest song…at least, that is, people always protest when I sing…so here goes:


I’m falling through the cracks in the pavement
Slipping on the stones in my shoes
Trying to stay dry under a fountain
Wondering how to wash away my blues

I’m trying to call out in the silence
Checking out the tracks of my feet
Smiling at the strangers who know me
Trying to stay alive on the street

And the bears may come and get me, but I don’t care
The bears may come and get me, but I don’t care

Laughing at the dangers around me
Scared of every shadow I see
Tempted by the lights and the noises
Afraid to take the time to be me

Climbing every mountain before me
Looking for the wood through the trees
Counting out the hours of a lifetime
Wondering what it takes to be free

And the bears have come and got me, but I don’t care
The bears have come to get me, but I don’t care

I’m falling through the cracks in the pavement
Slipping on the stones in my shoes
Trying to stay dry under a fountain
Wondering how to wash away my blues
Wondering how to wash away my blues
Wondering how to wash away my blues
Wondering how to wash away my blues

(Rapturous applause, combined with a few snores)
DFTP: thank you, thank you – you’re too kind. We’d like to finish now with a bit of country and western.

Ladies and gentlemen: I’ve suffered for my music – and now it’s your turn…

Picking Fleas

Picking fleas off one another, picking fleas
My neighbours dream of swinging through the trees
Between their ears there blows a gentle breeze
Picking fleas off one another, picking fleas

My neighbours are Neanderthals, they really aren’t too bright
They couldn’t find their backsides if you turned out all the lights
They wouldn’t eat banana’s, they’d rather drink some booze
If you ask them any questions, they get angry and confused

Picking fleas off one another, picking fleas
They like to swear and curse like a disease
They couldn’t quite outwit a slice of cheese
Picking fleas off one another, picking fleas

They never do a day’s work; it’s all there on a plate
You’ll often see them taking, a leak on someone’s gate
You’ll always hear them shouting and looking for a fight
And when the summer comes, they burn the evidence each night

There is some applause and The Prisoners exit the stage. The bingo begins


A note from The Pixies: The Prisoners are an entirely fictional band and have no existence outside of my head and some old CDs i did a few years ago. Any similarity with any real band of the same name is entirely co-incidental.

The lyrics are mine, for what they are worth!

Support the cause to find Randy Sexpot: buy the CD single "Where Are You Randy?" today


English Rider said...

Great creative post. I loved the rattling Zimmerframes and the Neanderthals burning the "evidence" on summer nights.

india said...

having frequently stepped on the cracks on the hope of meeting the bears i too am rattling my virtual zimmerframe as i leap to my feet to offer a standing ovation....

Argent said...

Hehe, great post! That "bears" song seems vaguely familiar somehow.

the watercats said...

tttttttttsssssssccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.. (that's the sound of applause).. Nice lyrics, and I could hear all the little intonations and boom ba ba of the bass in the country song... Just need to hear actual recordings now :-)... !

Friko said...

I am not much given to laughing out loud, but I did just now! What wonderful names your band mates have:
wildebeest, milky tea,.. but I like howling J-cloth best
Brilliant lyrics too. Now, you simply have to resurrect the band and give them lots of adventures while performing in Zimmer-framed bingo halls, maybe a rural WI meeting or a TT meeting? Randy should go down a storm at a Mother's meeting in a Church hall.
Awaiting development with breathless anticipation!

Lydia said...

Oh, you and your creative brain. I want you to know that Sunday evening we will be seeing the 2009 American Idol concert in Portland (their first night of the run of concerts) and they couldn't hold a candle to your band and your songs. :)

(word verification=catio, must be a patio for cats)

Anonymous said...

Alright, can I buy Randy's C.D. again? There are rumors saying that he's been spotted in the U.S., taking over Palin's spot as John McCain's vice president in the next U.S. election. Just rumors though.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

English - thanks :) I should probably do a brief history of the formation of the band to explain...

The burning of the evidence is how i know we're in spring.

India - it's funny that even as "adults" we still find ourselves playing those childhood games (avoiding the cracks in the pavement etc)

Argent - you're too kind :)

Watercats - I will try and find some way of getting some recordings on line. You have been warned about my singing though!

Friko - as i said above i will give the background to the band at some point. Just for your records though Randy's father Kinky Sexpot and his sister Sauci are still very much with us...

Lydia - thanks :) I keep thinking i should watch American Idol...

Samurai - there's currently a bit of a legal battle involving Njorl the viking and some Penguins. Once it gets sorted "Where Are You Randy?" will very much be available again around your parts :)

pohanginapete said...

Oh yeah, I agree with the others. If the performance is half as good as this post it'll be a cracker.

This Brazen Teacher said...

Hey, I tagged you...

Friko said...


Like it that you've made the c&w song so much more intelligent than they usually are.