An Open Letter To

Dear Sir or madam, whoever you are

Congratulations to the one person in the whole of the UK that the Government hasn't lost the details of. By dint of living in a cave, not having any kids, learning to drive, opening any bank accounts or in any way trusting your clearly completely useless Government you have escaped sharing your details with con-men, identity thieves and Gordon Brown.

As you read this the Labour party are devising new and exciting ways to share your details with the public - so we advise cash purchases only and no vital life-saving operations in the next 6-12 months. Don't claim any benefits, earn a living or even buy a travel card. Cycle everywhere - you'll save the environment and lose a few llbs into the bargain.

It speaks volumes that in these days of Political Disenchantment the national papers are not calling for a vote of no-confidence in our Government despite a string of mistakes that make The Chuckle Brothers look competent, that no newspaper is campaigning for greater action following the recent environment meetings, better flood defences or for tougher sentances for criminals. Instead the most effective national campaign has been the "bring back the Wispa bar" campaign. So we may all be about to die horribly in a new ice age, but at least we'll have the satisfaction of decent chocolate.

Sadly, as your details have not been lost, traded, sent in the mail to some random parrot in Abergaveny (to date) we are unable to address this letter directly to you. Instead we wish you the best of luck with your continued privacy.

A New Way Of Living

Having just watched the final of The X Factor 2007, which was won by that Scottish bloke I was convinced was out of it 4 weeks ago I have realised that there is a gap in the market for the ultimate Reality-Check TV.

Never mind your I’m A Non-Entity, Get Me A Career, forget your Forget Factors and Strictly Can’t Dancings – this is the Talent show to end all Talent shows

It’s called “Make Me A Monarch”

The concept –
1) We get rid of the Royal Family. I’m not talking of killing them or anything, just ship them off to a nice island somewhere in the Maldives with enough money and servants for them to be comfortable for a few years, after which they can earn their money from selling stories to “Hello”, “Chat” and by opening new branches of *insert corporation hell-bent on global domination of your choice here* , waving at tourists from balconies and selling off their palaces.
2) We hire a panel of celebrity judges: Simon Cowell (of course, because he gets everywhere), David Hasslehoff (for the European vote/viewer) and Bonnie Langford (because she’s more affordable than Paula Abdul or either of the Minogues)
3) We hold open auditions across the country and divide the categories into “celebrity” and “non-entity” (admittedly this leaves room for confusion in our current Z-list celebrity world)
4) We televise the whole process, making the potential Royals of the future sing, dance (on ice), act, play Polo, take elocution lessons, collect “stars” from muddy swamps and complete the Krypton Factor assault course (for anyone under the age of 25 the Krypton Factor was Mastermind with puzzles)
5) We have a phone-in public vote (because more people vote for The X Factor winner than vote in the general election)
6) The winner(s) get to be King and Queen for a pre-determined period of time

I think it’s a goer. Let’s face it voting for a King and Queen is more constitutional than simply allowing someone to become head of state via right of birth and even if we get someone worse than George Bush Jnr (which, unless Jade Goody is elected, I doubt – and even then…) they won’t actually have any real power – so it’s better all round and about the only thing likely to get the youth of today politicised outside of turning The House Of Parliament into a game for the Nintendo Wii…

Now there is a good idea! Nintendo – you saw it here first!