Lest We Forget

I can't believe that I've known y'all for all this time without introducing you to my constant friend and companion.

What is it now: 3, 4 years?  Doesn't time when you're having fun?

Still, you'd've thought I would have mentioned my Super Hero Double Identity by now - even in passing and yet here we are...

I'm not suggesting, of course, that of an evening I dress in tights, put my underpants over my clothes and go thwarting ner-do-wells - my superhero ability is a slightly unusual one at best and, over the years, I have come to refer to this secret identity as Captain Paranoia.

Many of you will already be familiar with the Captain and feel that you too are visited by his late night whispers in your ear that tell you to go and check the front door that one final time just to be absoultely sure that you did indeed lock it. 

Extreme sufferers from his presence, those for whom he has set up a comfy chair between their eyes and watches everything they do, suffer from OCD - but every one of us have a small room marked VACANT in our brains that always has a bed prepared for the Captain - just in case he should arive with his megaphone and start yelling "YOU DIDN'T LOCK YOUR DOOR" just five minutes after you got into the one-way system contraflow that will take you half an hour to get out of, go back and discover that yes, you did indeed lock the door - only to find that Captain Paranoia has vacated the building to avoid the forthcoming knuckle sandwich

Worse still, however, are the occasions upon which the Captain choses to stay silent - like today, for instance, when a healthy bout of "Did you remember to pick up your works pass today?" would have saved the resultant half an hour of waiting in reception whilst the Security Guard sorted out a visitor pass, then the rigmarole of getting a temporary payment card so I could get a coffee

Or come to that Mr so-called Captain Paranoia where were you the day I cycled seven miles to work, got to the changing room/shower and had to come out and make an apologetic call to Herself to bring me the pair of trousers that were still lying waiting at home?

Didn't have much to say for yourself that day, did you?