Thursday, 15 September 2011

Pixie's Special Theory Of Relativity

And let's get started immediately by saying that when I use the word "Relativity" I'm not talking about family members.

Oh no: this is my very special thesis on the development and actuation of Time Travel, as developed at great length and hardship during a five minute fresh-air break from the office yesterday.

Time Travel has long been the dream of scientists the world over who will, no doubt even now, be rubbing their heads and wondering how a simple chap like me can have cracked it.  Well: the answer is simple - boredom.

Einstein famously theorized that E=MC2, which, at an extremely basic level, means that the faster you travel the more energy you need to sustain the speed and that as you approach the speed of light it becomes possible to move in time.

We already have proof that things can move at different times - if you take two atomic clocks and set them to the exact same time and then fly one around the world in a plane you get two results.  Firstly the clock in the plane gets a nice trip, a sub-standard meal and the inflight movie of its choice and secondly, and more importantly, when you compare the clocks at the other end the clock that was flying will be a few miliseconds ahead of the one that was stationary.

Stephen Hawking, and other notable brains, have postulated that if one were to open a black hole and step through it you wouldn't find a rather poor 1970s Disney movie, but that potentially we could use a hole at the other end to move in time

One other popular theory remains that the reason we don't have people popping back for a quick weekend in the drought of 1977 is a) frankly June 1977 was rubbish aside from the Queen's Jubilee and the Sex Pistols and b) time travel only becomes possible from the point at which it is invented.

So as I have now invented time travel yesterday I can travel forward in time from any point after 4pm yesterday and indeed back to that time, but not to a time before.

So - how, I hear you ask, is all of this achieved?  Well - it's simple.

Remember the last time you were really bored?  How did you feel as you stared at the clock on the wall, just waiting for the day to be over?  Did you feel that time was dragging?

And what about the last time you had some really fun friends around for a laugh and a sing-song?  Did the evening fly by?

This is because the passage of time depends heavily on our reaction to and perception of it.

So - theoretically if you could get two people into the same room: one of whom was bored to within an inch of bashing their brains out on the wall and one who was having the time of their lives and then infinitesimally tweak their individual perceptions of the passing of time then they would begin to pull in opposite directions of time.  So - if you offered the bored person a can of paint to watch dry he would slip further in time behind the person with a nice book to read and start to travel into the past - whereas if you were to offer the happy person a box of chocolates their new inspired state of deliriousness would react against the negativity of the bored person and send them shooting off into the future.

Clearly there is still some work to be done on testing this theory and there would be serious side-effects of sending someone seriously depressed into the past: for a start they wouldn't enjoy it once they got there.

Answers or comments on the above at the usual place :)

8 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I wonder how quickly time passes when your head is up your arse? (I assume you've seen the photo of the man with his head up his arse - it was all over the internet.)

The Bug said...

I am in a state of blech at the moment so I could assist with your experiment. And frankly, just the presence of the happy person would send me backwards in time without the assistance of the can of paint. Heh.

Lydia said...

So, the two atomic clocks (I did not know about that experiment) are in some ways analogous to the bored and the pleased persons. I get that (I really do).

You may have something here....now, my question: how will you humanely test your theory. Via volunteers? And wouldn't you be opening yourself up to scrutiny and perhaps lawsuits by testing on depressed people, even if they had given their permission? I like the theory, but I am totally troubled about how to test it. :)

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

GB - i would imagine that for a man with his head up his own arse time can never move fast enough until he is released.

Bug - see you last thursday then

Lydia - hmmm. Generally speaking i'm against animal testing also.

Maybe we could pay students a small fee for taking part? They need the cash - and we could find plenty of dull and interesting lectures, so they wouldn't even have to change much...

Argent said...

I have also heard that time moves differently depending on your body temperature - the perception anyway, so we could factor in happiness, boredom and temperature. I should point out, however, that the Vulcan Academy of Science is of the position the time travel is not possible anywway, but what would they know; lacking emotions of any kind means they can't time travel anyway.

Argent said...

I have also heard that time moves differently depending on your body temperature - the perception anyway, so we could factor in happiness, boredom and temperature. I should point out, however, that the Vulcan Academy of Science is of the position the time travel is not possible anywway, but what would they know; lacking emotions of any kind means they can't time travel anyway.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Argent - did they have to revise that opinion after Star Trek 4?

Michael said...

I think you should write a short story and test your theory.