Monday, 13 June 2011

What Is Buckingham Palace For?

The Royal Family: titular heads of the nation since time immemorial.  Despite being mostly germanic these days Queen Elizabeth can trace her ancesty all the way back to the first Queen Liz and probably even before that.

But boy do they have a lot of houses.  Queen Elizabeth herself chooses to live mostly at Windsor Castle and Balmorral - which rather begs the question: what is that big house in London Town doing to earn its keep?  No actual royals live there, it's only open at certain times of year to the public - what does it DO???

So, in an unusual twist on my List O' Fives postings I'm going to bring you a list of five things that Buckingham Palace could be used for, probably should be used for and almost definately isn't used for.

Please feel free to join in the fun by suggesting your own...

#1: The Cornflake Testing Room
As you may or may not know any produce used within the Royal household is allowed to carry the Royal crest.  This is, at the end of the day, a slightly subliminal method of advertising.  The Queen uses it: so you should as well.  Kellogg's Cornflakes are amongst said approved produce.

However, as the head of the Empire (which once spanned the world encorporating the Americas and India and currently consists of two bemused sheep in Devonshire both called Simon) I'd like to think that QE2 applies her exacting standards and frequently checks that said items are still up to her approval.  This is where the Cornflake Testing Room comes in - where she, or a minor royal, are required to spend one day a month sampling jams, breakfast cerials, toasters and the like.

#2: The Conveyor Belt Room
For various reasons I was looking on line at the list of Queen's Birthday Honours - and boy, that's a hell of a lot of sword wielding the poor woman gets through.  Obviously it's not just the Queen that does it.  Prince Charles also takes his turn and therefore presumably some of the minor royals as well (You'd probably feel a bit cheated if you turned up to get your Knighthood and it was Eugene or that one that does the showjumping that gave you your badge)

So to cut down on time and effort for Her Majesty the Royal household recently installed one of those revolving luggage racks that they have at airports and installed a throne at one point.  The various dignitaries pile into the room in groups of fifty or sixty, line up along the conveyor belt and then the Queen trundles through on her moving throne passing out the awards with a polite, but frankly slightly strained smile.

#3: The Anti National Anthem Lounge (Or A.N.A.L. for short)
Let's face it: at some point in every musician's career you will hear them complain about being sick and tired of "that song" that made them famous and they have to play at every single concert.  For Elton John it's probably Your Song, for Barry Mannilow it might be Mandy and so forth.  Being Queen for fifty plus years must be a strange lifestyle: wherever you go everything is clean, everyone is extraordinarily happy to see you and they always play you the same piece of music.

Let's face it "God Save The Queen" is a dirge and there must have been times where the Queen has had to fight the urge to shout "if one hears that piece of music again..."

So, and in kindness to other world leaders, she had the A.N.A.L. room set up as a refuge to Kings, Queens, Prime Ministers and yes, Presidents, to go as the one room in the entire world where it is 100% guaranteed that they will NEVER have to hear that music

#4: The Embarrassing Relative Room (aka The Prince Philip Suite)
Aside from the recent Royal wedding when was the last time you saw Prince Edward in public?  That's because the Queen is still making him live in the Embarrassing room as a punishment for his involvment in theatre and specifically for organising It's A Royal Knockout (a misguided attempt to make the Royal family look "hip" and "down with da kids" by involving them in a TV game show)

Since the Queen is no longer allowed to lock people in the Tower of London she keeps the Embarrassing Relative Room for all the times when Philip says something embarrassing (about once or twice a day)

#5: The Royal Robot Room
It's a little known fact that in the twilight of her years the Queen Mother was often not up to the task of public apperances and was frequently replaced by a robot.  Hence you never saw her speak in public.  The same is true for all the Royals who, lets face it, have a hectic schedule and can't be everywhere.  So for all those embarrassing moments when Prince Charles is supposed to be picking up the kids from training academy but has double-booked himself with opening a new factory somewhere they have a room where they keep robot duplicates.  Sometimes this is also used as a changing room for Lookey-likeys (people who bear close physical resemblance to a royal), all of whom have signed the official secrets act.

#6: The Wave Practising Room
With all that polite waving she does its a small wonder that the Queen doesn't suffer from Repetitive Strain Injury - and the reason for this can only be that she has a special wave practising room stuffed full of mirrors where she can go and practise waving as well as lift weights designed to strengthen her wrist as well as receive a relaxing hand massage

NB: We were going to add a seventh room: where all the photos for the stamps and the money are taken - but we rather suspect that one actually does exist.

Any further suggestions are welcome as always


Gattina said...

Hahaha ! great propositions for the use of Buckhingham palace ! When I stand there and look through the grids I think of being in a zoo and wait for some girafes, elephants or monkeys to look out of the windows.
I love the British Royal family, it's so romantic in our down to earth time. Belgium has also a King and a Queen and 3 children with annexes and lots of grandchildren, but they are sooooo ....... boring !

Friko said...

There should be a whole suite of rooms where no lackeys are ever allowed and where all the Royals could practice squeezing their own toothpaste, pouring their own breakfast cereal milk, kicking a corgi without assistance and playing their own bagpipes.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Gattina - thanks for visiting. A zoo is a fabulous idea. There used to be one at Windsor, though - and it got turned into Legoland.

Friko - i'd like to think that the Queen occasionally goes down to the kitchens late at night and makes herself some beans on toast

Bobby Gail said...

This is SO clever and just hysterically funny! I can just visualize the rooms! Thanks for brightening my day!

The Bug said...

Excellent list. My favorite is the ANAL room - our anthem kind of makes you grind your teeth too after a while.

Titus said...

Yep, great list! I think there may be a Royal Children Room - which was where all the offspring of the King and/or Queen were placed, with a nanny and a tutor, for eighteen years until they were civilised and disturbed enough to meet their parents.
I think this one has only recently been mothballed.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Bobby Gail - thanks. The conveyor belt is my favourite, but i'd love to see the wave practising room also

Bug - isn't it based on an old drinking song?

Titus - that must be true. Prince William was born...and then suddenly he's in the army - what happened inbetween?

Gorilla Bananas said...

How about a Tampon room for Charles? Somewhere he can relax and be himself.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Gorilla b's - (shiver)