Friday, 6 March 2009

Last Night

And then there are nights like last night.

When nothing you do goes the way you want it to.

Where every kind, supportive word from the teacher feels like a leadweight on your heart

Where the crowd never goes wild

Where the guitarist never reaches that bit in the song where the hairs stand up on your arms.

Where you get so fucked off with yourself that you just want to walk out and never touch a pencil again

Where the Depression Cloud settles in and obscures your vision.

Where everyone else seems to be getting it, producing masterpieces, but you are not.

And it takes every inch of what makes you to keep on trying.

Still - fairplay to the model, who must have spent ten years studying the Tantric Karma-Sutra (Yoga Edition) to be that bendy!

I really aught to give my Depression Cloud a name. Trevor is the current forerunner, but suggestions would be welcome (on a postcard please)


Lydia said...

Trevor was the name of a friend's golden lab back in Reno. He was a real champ and died of old age.

I don't know....naming your Depression Cloud might be too encouraging for the thing!

This Brazen Teacher said...

I LOVE this talk. It's called "How We Kill Geniuses" and I think it's pertinent to the 'Depression Cloud' you speak of.

As an artist... I found great comfort in it myself.

Buddha said...

But let’s not forget the positive side of depression – it creates great literature – actually the best literature I ever read is depressing :(
But seriously: You can take any lemon life gives you and turn it in to lemonade.
Work is a phenomenal way to burn out negative energy :)

Michael said...

Were you depressed because your drawings sucked or were they rotten because you felt like crap?

Argent said...

I can relate to Pixie's feelings in this piece but art is a physical as well as a mental discipline, sometimes it takes time for a technique to get from your brain into your hands. Give it a few days and come back to it.

Argent said...

I've just listened tot he talk that Brazen Teacher mentioned and I agree utterly.

Anonymous said...

But still, you must struggle on, even in the despair. You must keep drawing and painting and keeping your hand in the training of technique and your mind in the training of focus. Times like this will always come in the process. Happens to me all the time with guitar. But you must persist.

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Brazen - thank you so much for the link, it was really interesting.

I prefer the idea that ideas and inspiration is like lightning falling from the air and as likely to hit a cow with a good idea for a novel as to hit me!

Buddha - yes, how good would Van Gough have been without his internal struggles? A lot happier maybe, but not as famous!

Michael - this is a good point. I think it was a bit of both - the cycle completes itself, but once you slip down that slope its very difficult to find the steps back out again

Argent - that's about the only thing that keeps you going somedays, the knowledge that things may still be better next time

Samurai - thanks for the words of support xx

Lisa Allender said...

What an artistic soul you are! Do carry on, as any good artist who wishes to become better, must!

raccoonlover1963 said...

Hi Pixie.
I don't know about naming the depression cloud, but I definitely have my own hanging about me most all the time!
Take care

Honour said...

check out this link a friend sent me ...

the Depression cloud is yucky, OH weird... I was going to send you a link and I see that the BRAZEN Teacher sent it along. That just gave me chills.

puts less pressure on us, don't you think??

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Lisa A - yes, i keep going...more arty stories to come soon...

Lisa - it's a very busy cloud and likes to do the rounds xx

Honour - yes, it's strange when that happens! It was a great link.