Your Call Is Important To Us

Thank you for calling the United Nations. Your call is important to us. Unfortunately all our agents are busy at the moment. Please hold whilst we play irritating music to you.

Put your hand on your heart and tell me, it’s all over…woah, woah, woah

All our agents continue to be busy. To help us prioritise your call please select one of the following options: press one if you are a nation seeking inclusion in Europe, press two if you are currently being threatened by a dictatorship, press three if you would like to make a threat to the western way of life

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Thank you. You have chosen to indicate that your country is currently being threatened by a dictatorship. Press one if the dictator is embarking on a regime of genocide, press two if the dictator has paid off the local police and is forcing an election, press three if the dictator was brought to power by the CIA or press four if all three apply

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Thank you. You have selected option four. Press one if the USA or Britain have recently sold this dictator arms, press two if your country is a major oil supplier or press three if neither of the above

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Thank you. Unfortunately you have chosen to select option three. The United Nations regrets to inform you that as we did not recently sell you weapons and you are not a major supplier of oil we will continue to arse about for months on end making a decision before considering any sanctions against the current genocide you are being subjected to. Please call back in the meantime if you should discover any oil, in which case you can rest assured we will come in, guns blazing to safeguard our interests – or continue to hold to speak to an operator

Put your hand on your heart and tell me, it’s all over…woah, woah, woah