Reader Appreciation Award (a Bug fix)

 

Well, it's not often that we here at DFTP get given an award, but when we do we feel slightly humbled - and if its from someone who's blog we look forward to reading then we feel ever so slightly chuffed into the bargain

So I'm very pleased that The Bug has chosen to select me for a Reader Appreciation award, because her blog with its 365 project, Tax Time Pig, Thankful Thursdays, pictures of moons and squirrells (and if we're honest folks I always quite enjoy "state of the bug" as well) is a "must read" for me, preferably with a nice hot cup of coffee 

So this is how it goes - one accepts the award, answers the questions and then passes it on to several friends or co-bloggers.  I'm going to pick just three I'm afraid - my good friend and musical partner in crime Argent in a vain attempt to try and get her back into blogging, the rather wonderful Chubby Chatterbox and the lady without whom no Wednesday would be complete (with or without Old Postcards) Lydia - although i will understand if none of you pass it on. 

Bug, who is kind enough to enjoy my regular List-O-Fives also said I might want to reply with a list-o-fives, so here goes:

 ::Where do you do most of your writing/blogging?
1) On the sofa in my front room.
2) With the TV on in the background (technically still on the sofa)
3) With a cat on either side of me (or sat between me and the computer)
4) When i should be doing far more important things (IE paying attention to the cats or Herself)
5) At no particular times really because my attention on things is so fleeting

::What books were your childhood favorites?
1) I read some Roald Dahl stuff as a kid - Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and its rather poor sequel, plus James And The Giant Peach - but other than that i wasn't really a fan
2) We never seemed to read full books at school, only ever excepts but the ones that stick out are The Magic Faraway Tree (Enid Blyton), The Wierstone Of Brisigamen, The Lord Of The Flies
3) Around 120 TV novelizations of a popular Sci-Fi series, mostly novelized by a UK TV writer called Terrance Dicks, whose remit to deliver 10 episode stories to a strict maximum page count of 120 pages is largely responsible for my own no-nonsense, cut to the action style of writing.
4) Read The Hobbit largely because it came free with the ZX Spectrum game, but can't say I really enjoyed it as a kid (The Lord Of The Rings is far better)
5) Went through a phase of reading the James Bond books - some were very good, some not so

:: Who is your favorite fictional character?
1) I always thought the great thing about that mysterious Time Lord The Doctor (Doctor Who) was how intensely moral he was - if he thought the monsters were having the hard time of it he was likely to side with them.  Plus, with Tom Baker's Doctor particularly there was that immense sense of fun and anticipation - Tom had a way of walking into a room as if it were the most amazing place he'd ever been and always assumed the best of people until proven otherwise - its a shame that more people aren't like that and also a shame that they've now made The Doctor so young and "manic" that its hard to imagine anyone wanting to grow up like him because chances are they're already that old
2) There's a classic question amongst Star Trek fans as to who's the best: Kirk or Picard.  For me there's no contest - James T Kirk. Dynamic, a bit of a rogue, willing to take risks and with the hint of the devil in his eyes.  Picard was good, but ST:TNG was so stuck in 80s America that i fear it has not dated well (perhaps in another 10 years i will feel different)
3) Arthur Dent - another sci-fi character but the one I most associate with - from The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy he is basically an average human trying to cope in a world that he doesn't understand and to make the best of things
4) Tom Baker - nothing you can say about him being a living person and famous actor will ever convince me that a man so much larger than life can be anything other than fictional
5) Luke Skywalker.  OK yes, so Han Solo was waaaaay cooler, but wouldn't you just do almost anything for a lightsabre?

::What is your favorite time of day and why?
1) Seriously for a second - sunrise and sunset, when the world is quiet and full of possibility - and before any humans come along and start messing up the place
2) Douglas Adams wrote about "The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul" which he described as that time on a Sunday afternoon when the shops are closed and there's nothing on TV other than religious programmes and time seems to slow
3) Not a specific time really - but that moment when you're doing something creative and are transported out of time entirely
4) When I hear the click of the kettle and sip my coffee
5) Any time of day that the cats/Herself chose to spend with me

::Who would play you in a movie of your life?
1) Henri Bergman (there's a seldom repeated Monty Python sketch where a contestant randomly shouts out the name of the obscure philosopher - and it turns out to be the right answer, so i thought - why not?)
2) Nicholas Cage - purely because Herself says she thinks i look a bit like him (but only in a world where Nicholas Cage looks like my mum)
3) Drew Barrymore (well, Cate Blanchett played Bob Dylan - plus it would be a good excuse to meet her) - mind you I have to say there's always that part of me that looks at Drew Barrymore now and thinks "but she was Gertie in ET"
4) I actually don't have a favourite actor - definately NOT Johnny Depp (he's good, but way to overexposed and over-hyped) - i'm honestly more interested in the look, feel and story of a film. My favourite film is Brazil and if we could nip back in time to hire an actor then Johnathan Pryce at that age might work well - otherwise i'll have the shouty chap in the washing detergent ads
5) Alexander Orlof (below) - whoever invented the idea of a russian meerkat selling car insurance deserves a knighthood - NOW!!

5) If we're honest here - someone gangly and a bit self-conscious

Christmas Factiod #1: Why Christmas Cracker Jokes Are Awful

Hello y'all and welcome to December.

Yes its true, after four months of advertising Christmas is nearly upon us and that means we can look forward to annual screenings of The Sound Of Music, the trumpet voluntary (after eating the sprouts), silly party hats, staff parties, shops full of people who look like they escaped from Night Of The Living Dead and endless rounds of relatives.

Most years we Pixies look forward to Christmas with a due sense of dread until the final few days when we can relax and actually enjoy ourselves - we also have a long tradition of a post on Christmas Day: however, this year I also thought I would try and drudge up some facts about the yuletide season and share them with you: facts that you can, or not as the case may be, then share with your uncles, aunts and outspoken grandparents in the vital few seconds before you fall asleep (usually just as the national anthem plays for the Queen's Speech)

So fact number one: Why Christmas Cracker Jokes are Awful

You know the drill - you pass out the crackers and there's always the "merry" members of the family (for merry, read drunk) who think its fun, and the less merry ones who look like they'd rather have their spleens ripped out than wear the resulting paper hat (ie - ME) - and there's a disappointing toy, a cheap paper hat and a joke (unless you buy The Harrods crackers, when you can have diamond rings etc)

It is then customary to tell the jokes along the lines of the below:

What do you call a blind reindeer?
No eye deer.
What do you call a man with brown paper trousers?
Russell.
What's furry and minty?
A polo bear.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a snowman?
Frostbite.

Cue much groaning and looks of pain at the terrible, terrible jokes

But what you probably didn't realize is that cracker jokes are deliberately bad.  Oh yes, you probably thought that it was just that someone, somewhere couldn't put in the effort to write a decent joke - but the truth is that they find the most pun-worthy, groan-able jokes they can and stuff them in.

Why?  Well, it's simple.

If you tell a group of people a joke there is always a chance that some of the people in the room will find it funny, whilst the other will not.  What you now have is a situation where the room is divided into two: the people who laughed and the people who didn't

HOWEVER: if the joke is deliberately bad then EVERYONE in the room is united against the joke creator, who of course is not present (unless you work for a joke writing/cracker agency)

Result: family unity and harmony - minus the usual argument that's been rolling on since Aunt Matilda said something hurtful back in 1841

DFTP would like to thank the televisual programme QI (Quite Interesting) for the above factoid.  The programme claims to be "if not right, then at least interesting"

Pet Problems

Welcome to the Pets R Us complaints line.  We apologise that we are experiencing extremely high call volumes and will get to your call as soon as we can

(Music plays: How Much Is That Doggie In The Window)

Call Centre: Welcome to Pets R Us, how may I help you today?

Pixie:  Hi yes, it's about the Gremlin

Call Centre: I'm sorry?

Pixie: The Gremlin that I bought four months ago at your Megastore

Call Centre: I'm sorry, that's a discontinued line

Pixie: I'm not surprised considering all the trouble I've had...the insurance policy alone has gone through the roof, let alone all the murders...anyway, it's about the care instructions

Call Centre: What about them?

Pixie: Well...they're a little vague.

Call Centre: Were you given a care booklet?

Pixie: Yes, and it was ok as far as it went, but there were only two instructions: don't get them wet and don't feed them after midnight.

Call Centre: Simple enough instructions, sir - and we do advise new owners of the potential hazards of failing to obey the rules

Pixie: Yes, yes, I know - they duplicate and turn evil in that order - but what you failed to mention is the bloody smell

Call Centre: The smell sir?

Pixie: Yes, I've had mine for nearly four months now and, as per instructions, have not washed it nor brought it near to water - but quite frankly the creature is a messy little bugger: he's covered in mud, grass, felt-tip pen: not to mention Gremlin poo.  Do you know how difficult it is to clean them without water?  I've tried baby-buds, but quite frankly you'd need a bunsen burner to remove the hard-caked filth at this stage.  The neighbours have even called in Environmental Control on three seperate occasions

Call Centre: Well, we do sell a special Gremlin cleansing spray priced £29.99

Pixie: Yes you do, but only at your office in Totnes, which is five hundred miles away, or via your website which always claims to be out of stock.

Call Centre: I'm very sorry to hear that sir, we can set up a quarterly order for you if you like, that would mean it will get delivered to you in good time?

Pixie: Yes please, that would be wonderful

Call Centre: No problem - is there anything else we can help you with?

Pixie: Yes, it's the whole "no food after midnight"

Call Centre: What about it sir?

Pixie: Well, I'm not quite sure exactly when it becomes safe to feed them again?  I mean: technically everything is after midnight

Call Centre: It's until sunrise sir - after the sun comes up its fine

Pixie: Sunrise?  OK thanks - so does that mean that it varies at different times of year?  I mean in the winter sunrise is a couple of hours later than in the summer

Call Centre: Yes sir, that's correct

Pixie: OK thanks - so, on a related subject: when the clocks go forward in the spring should I stop feeding them after 11pm, and is it again safe to feed them in the autumn if i happen to be up at midnight and immediately set my watch back an hour so that it's now 11pm and not midnight anymore?

Call Centre: I'd have to refer you to my supervisor to be sure sir, but my advice would be to err on the safe side

Pixie: Thanks.  One last thing: I'm planning a round the world cruise and was thinking of taking my Pet with me, I mean after all I can't risk it suddenly turning evil because some student that i hired thought it was probably ok to feed them after all.  But the problem is that I'm going to be crossing the international date line and several different time lines - often in planes where i will have little access to local time.  Can you tell me: does the "feeding after midnight" thing follow its own internal clock or should I allow for local time?

Call Centre: I can't be sure sir, I would have to transfer you to my manager.  Is there anything else I can answer before I do so?

Pixie: Yes, although I suspect this is one for your manager as well.  If I feed the Gremlin at 11:30pm and a piece of food gets lodged behind a tooth, or hasn't quite digested by midnight - is that a problem?

Call Centre: I'll just pass you to my manager....please hold...

(Music plays: How Much Is That Doggie In The Window)