New Light Through Old Windows

Some years ago, longer ago than I care to remember, me and my friend were on a photography course.

We were out taking photos, looking for the shadows: the things that other people might not notice when we came upon the remains of an old factory.  Little more than a few bricks that marked the passing of a few hundred working lives: lost forever now.

And as we were taking pictures of brick piled onto brick a man approached us and tried to sell us on God, saying that it was the work of Satan that we were focussing so much on destruction and that if we followed this path then surely there could be no salvation for our souls.  The only solution?  Come to his church meeting next Sunday.

Now, even as a kid, I knew that this man was talking from where the sun don't shine, but I guess that I was still to young to really tell him why.  So, my friend: if you're still out there - here's why.

In every abandoned brick there are a thousand grains of sand.  Tiny atoms of creation that have come together in this place.  In every piece of destruction there is the hope of resurrection: the birth of something new.  Every abandoned building, no matter how decrepit, has a story to tell.  What lives were lived in this place?  What happened for the building to get into this state?  If God did indeed create then surely it is equally magnificent that he can destroy.

To look on all that wonder and only see evil?  Now that's what I call the loss of a soul

What Is Buckingham Palace For?

The Royal Family: titular heads of the nation since time immemorial.  Despite being mostly germanic these days Queen Elizabeth can trace her ancesty all the way back to the first Queen Liz and probably even before that.

But boy do they have a lot of houses.  Queen Elizabeth herself chooses to live mostly at Windsor Castle and Balmorral - which rather begs the question: what is that big house in London Town doing to earn its keep?  No actual royals live there, it's only open at certain times of year to the public - what does it DO???

So, in an unusual twist on my List O' Fives postings I'm going to bring you a list of five things that Buckingham Palace could be used for, probably should be used for and almost definately isn't used for.

Please feel free to join in the fun by suggesting your own...

#1: The Cornflake Testing Room
As you may or may not know any produce used within the Royal household is allowed to carry the Royal crest.  This is, at the end of the day, a slightly subliminal method of advertising.  The Queen uses it: so you should as well.  Kellogg's Cornflakes are amongst said approved produce.

However, as the head of the Empire (which once spanned the world encorporating the Americas and India and currently consists of two bemused sheep in Devonshire both called Simon) I'd like to think that QE2 applies her exacting standards and frequently checks that said items are still up to her approval.  This is where the Cornflake Testing Room comes in - where she, or a minor royal, are required to spend one day a month sampling jams, breakfast cerials, toasters and the like.

#2: The Conveyor Belt Room
For various reasons I was looking on line at the list of Queen's Birthday Honours - and boy, that's a hell of a lot of sword wielding the poor woman gets through.  Obviously it's not just the Queen that does it.  Prince Charles also takes his turn and therefore presumably some of the minor royals as well (You'd probably feel a bit cheated if you turned up to get your Knighthood and it was Eugene or that one that does the showjumping that gave you your badge)

So to cut down on time and effort for Her Majesty the Royal household recently installed one of those revolving luggage racks that they have at airports and installed a throne at one point.  The various dignitaries pile into the room in groups of fifty or sixty, line up along the conveyor belt and then the Queen trundles through on her moving throne passing out the awards with a polite, but frankly slightly strained smile.

#3: The Anti National Anthem Lounge (Or A.N.A.L. for short)
Let's face it: at some point in every musician's career you will hear them complain about being sick and tired of "that song" that made them famous and they have to play at every single concert.  For Elton John it's probably Your Song, for Barry Mannilow it might be Mandy and so forth.  Being Queen for fifty plus years must be a strange lifestyle: wherever you go everything is clean, everyone is extraordinarily happy to see you and they always play you the same piece of music.

Let's face it "God Save The Queen" is a dirge and there must have been times where the Queen has had to fight the urge to shout "if one hears that piece of music again..."

So, and in kindness to other world leaders, she had the A.N.A.L. room set up as a refuge to Kings, Queens, Prime Ministers and yes, Presidents, to go as the one room in the entire world where it is 100% guaranteed that they will NEVER have to hear that music

#4: The Embarrassing Relative Room (aka The Prince Philip Suite)
Aside from the recent Royal wedding when was the last time you saw Prince Edward in public?  That's because the Queen is still making him live in the Embarrassing room as a punishment for his involvment in theatre and specifically for organising It's A Royal Knockout (a misguided attempt to make the Royal family look "hip" and "down with da kids" by involving them in a TV game show)

Since the Queen is no longer allowed to lock people in the Tower of London she keeps the Embarrassing Relative Room for all the times when Philip says something embarrassing (about once or twice a day)

#5: The Royal Robot Room
It's a little known fact that in the twilight of her years the Queen Mother was often not up to the task of public apperances and was frequently replaced by a robot.  Hence you never saw her speak in public.  The same is true for all the Royals who, lets face it, have a hectic schedule and can't be everywhere.  So for all those embarrassing moments when Prince Charles is supposed to be picking up the kids from training academy but has double-booked himself with opening a new factory somewhere they have a room where they keep robot duplicates.  Sometimes this is also used as a changing room for Lookey-likeys (people who bear close physical resemblance to a royal), all of whom have signed the official secrets act.

#6: The Wave Practising Room
With all that polite waving she does its a small wonder that the Queen doesn't suffer from Repetitive Strain Injury - and the reason for this can only be that she has a special wave practising room stuffed full of mirrors where she can go and practise waving as well as lift weights designed to strengthen her wrist as well as receive a relaxing hand massage

NB: We were going to add a seventh room: where all the photos for the stamps and the money are taken - but we rather suspect that one actually does exist.

Any further suggestions are welcome as always

Tears In The Rain (Magpie Tales)

Magpie Tales



"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I've watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those ... moments will be lost in time, like tears...in rain."

It took me a long time to really "get" Blade Runner.  The first couple of times I saw it I found it slow and a wee bit pompous - all those long, lingering shots of the city, that sound track by Vangelis...

But at some time along the way I realised that there was a certain visual poetry going on - and when I saw this prompt I immediately thought of the scene where Roy goes in search of his creator and, in the streets of a futuristic china town, finds the man who made his eyes.

One of the things that I love about cycling is that it gives you the time to stop and really enjoy the scenery - to take it in for one moment.  Most of our lives are spent whizzing from place to place, urgently running around on whatever mission we may be on.

Take the time.  Enjoy that moment. 

Ant Music

The Climb

You Don't Bring Me Flowers



Is The Writing On The Wall For Writing?

At the age of 11 I realied that almost everything I had learned so far in life was wrong.

I'd already learned by then that I was stupid: this fact had been repeated to me again and again by every teacher (these days we have things like positive encouragement, but back then you were just constantly belitled), but now I found myself arriving at a new school I had to add to my stupidity the fact that what little I had learned was utterly, totally wrong.

This mainly related to my handwriting: at junior school (ages 7-11) we had been tought an extremely stylised form of writing - cursive script, single letters, mostly italics.  Looking at my few remaining school books from that time is like looking at the scratchings of someone marking the days going by on a prison cell wall. 

This was at a school where the desks still had inkwells (albiet redundant ones) and we had to write with messy cartridge pens and blot our writing because ballpoints were considered too common (resulting in many a blue stain on my school clothes)

But upon arriving at my senior school I was told that my writing was illegible, that I had an extremely odd style and forced to re-learn entirely how to write.  I spent an entire year in special lessons with a ruler under my chin to get the right distance from the desk: because handwriting was important.

People could tell what kind of a Decent Chap you were from your writing, it would come in useful in every walk of life.  You have great ideas, I was told, but if only we could read them...

Now, we're not talking about the middle ages here - old as I may be.  We had typewriters, oh yes - and some computers as well (Mr Babbage for Maths?  Not quite, but close) - but it wasn't the Done Thing to give a child a machine to do his thinking - and so my handwriting had to improve.

Of course it never did.  The main problem has always been that my hand can't keep up with my brain.  Learning to type properly was a total release for me - finally I could start to keep up with the flow of my thought and not be dragged down.  My handwriting still looks like a bag of ferrets have escaped and done some serious damage

But then whilst I was thinking about this last night I suddenly asked myself how long it had been since I had actually sat down and done some serious writing by hand.  I'm not just talking notes to myself during meetings here, I did that on Friday: i'm talking about actually writing a letter or message to another person.

How long, come to that, since I actually wrote someone a letter and sent it through the post - whether by pen or by typed?  It could be as long as 15-20 years ago.  It's all email and SMS TXT these days - and most likely by direct brain transplant of thought at some point in the next few.

Not that there's anything wrong with email, or text - although there is.  Emails are a very impersonal way of communicating and can often be mis-read or mis-interpreted.  Text, whilst very handy, tends to result in a shortening of language.  Ys I txt spk, btw - but I do worry that in order to break the rules of sentence, grammar and structure you first should understand at least the rudiments (and be able to use words like "rudiments" in anger and understand them!) of the rules - and that from what I see on facebook the Kids Of Today don't (be fair here - people of my generation don't either)

So what I wanted to do here today was to try and encourage y'all that read this to sit down at a desk with a pen and paper and write someone a letter - it doesn't have to be anything particularly revelatory or personal.  You can write to the Queen's Lady In Waiting if you so wish (the Queen gets enough letters, and its always the Lady In Waiting that replies - so take pity on the poor, unloved soul)

And you don't even have to send it afterwards (although that would be good too) - just sit down, write it, and come back and tell me how wierd it felt.  Like something you might read by Charles Dickens

Double-0 Heaven?

Here we are again, time for another list o'things

This time we're going to talk about one of the longest running film series - James Bond movies.  As you long suffering readers will know what usually happens with these posts is I pick five examples of something I like and then ramble on about why I like them in the hope of persuading you likewise.  However, with this particular list it would seem churlish to miss out any of the actors who have played 007 and so I'm going to talk briefly about each and tell you which of their films is my favourite from each actor - however, we're only counting official movie Bond's so I'm afraid that legendary Blockbusters' host Bob Holness is omitted.

#1: Sean Connery
Arguably, and in many people's opinion, the Best Bond Sean Connery was not the original choice for the role Connery had previously worked as a milk delivery man.  Connery is remarkable for having returned twice to the role (Diamonds Are Forever is after Lazenby's turn, and also Never Say Never Again)

My personal favourite: From Russia With Love because not only is it very close to the novel, but it's a cracking spy story - and You Only Live Twice

#2: George Lazenby

A tricky one to pick a "favourite" here because Lazenby famously believed that one would be enough.  And ok, so there's a lot wrong with On Her Majesty's Secret Service (including the alleged fact that Lazenby had to be dubbed by another actor), but it still manages to be one of my guilty favourites of the series and contains a cracking soundtrack (Including Louis Armstrong's "We Have All The Time In The World") - again, almost an exact adaptation of the original book

#3: Roger Moore
Previously famous for playing Simon Templar in The Saint Moore is not to everyone's taste.  There are many, and who can blame them, that argue that the series got too silly in the latter half of his tenure.  Still, as with all things, your Bond is very much the one you first discovered - making Roger Moore very much my Bond.  True he stayed on one, if not two, films too many - but there's some good ones in there

My favourite: his first, Live And Let Die - and, inevitably, the one with the underwater car (The Spy Who Loved Me)

#4: Timothy Dalton
Dalton joined the franchise at a difficult time.  Firstly the format was starting to look a little old, secondly he had to follow the increasingly jokey Moore.  He also suffered from a first script that was written for Moore and from a loss of rights that left the series in hiatus for several years

Favourite film: Despite all of this Licence To Kill remains one of my favourite from the series - including, as it does, a plot taken from one of Fleming's original stories (Bond going AWOL to seek revenge on the people who attack Felix Leiter)

#5: Pierce Brosnan
Rather remarkably the former Remington Steele actor seems to have managed to make himself one of the most popular incarnations of James Bond.  This despite some very poor storylines (two so poor that I can't remember a thing about them).  My main issue by this point is the increase of daft gadgets (specifically the invisible car), but to be fair Brosnan is the best thing in the films

Best one: Goldeneye is the only one with a half decent script.  Half-way through the motorbike chase in Tomorrow Never Dies I realised that I just didn't care - and the less said about Die Another Day the better

#6: Daniel Craig
Shock horror, a blonde Bond - surely not?  There were many who balked at such a thing, believe it or not.  However Craig soon silenced his critics with a back to basics, heavily Bourne-Identity inspired first movie.  Admittedly the plot of the second one made no sense whatsoever and it remains unclear if he will make a third (with the copyright holders in financial meltdown)

Best one - Casino Royale was half an hour too long, and clearly an attempt to capitalise on the recent success of another character with the same initials - but still a great film. Speaking of which...

#7: David Niven
Of course, technically everyone in the more miss than hit comedy spoof version of Casino Royale played James Bond including Ursula Andress, Peter Sellars and many more (but not Woody Allen - who played Jimmy Bond) - but only Niven was the "true" retired agent, Sir James Bond

Sadly the humour doesn't quite make the grade and the ending is confused, but still worth a mention

The Girl Who Wanted To Be God

Magpie Tales

She watched from the window as the flames from the mountain came closer.  The crops were smouldering now, ash falling on the ramshackle roof and sparking like fireworks.

The children were screaming, lungs already congealing from the smoke.  There was still no sign of the air rescue: the radio dead now for more than half an hour, the last dying echo of a voice swallowed by the static of the erruption.

She turned towards the mountain.  How many times had she climbed its surface, feeling the rock beneath her skin?  Everyone had been so certain that it was dead: that it would never erupt again.  They had been wrong: so, so wrong: and now they would have to pay for that mistake.

She closed her eyes, holding her hand out: wishing that she had the power to stop the oncoming storm.  And in that second, had the Devil appeared unto her, she would have happily sold her soul: just to save one child

Just one...

Lyrics by Bradfield/Wire/Edwards/Moore

There are no sunsets just silence

You could see that she was true and faithless

But see through the future and forget all the lies
Black out the words for the blind have eyes

I am the girl who wanted to be God
I am the girl who wanted to be God

There are times when you feel hopeless
Just for once for no-one else we are blameless
The dawn is still breaking its heaven is so high
She told the truth, told the truth and then she lied

I am the girl who wanted to be God
I am the girl who wanted to be God

Hold me she said love me to death

I am the girl who wanted to be God
I am the girl who wanted to be God
I am the girl who wanted to be God
I am the girl who wanted to be God